Cleaning out the closet.

Within a mass flurry of ex texts, passive aggressive/misogynist facebook posts, etc. this week I learned a few things about these boys I had dated and myself. Here's a gem from my most very recent ex:

Yes, I date assholes. Pretty much everyone I know is constantly joking "oh, you sure do know how to pick 'em." (Honestly though, Bear was a freakin' saint compared to 80% of my exes so I would like to make it abundantly clear that he is not counted within the "asshole" category - that's probably why we were together for a year and a half.)

So, I date jerks and then I try to BE FRIENDLY WITH THEM afterward in some sick, stupid sense of duty. Even when all of my friends hate them. And then I end up miserable just trying to deflect the snarky comments and judgments and manipulation and craziness and trying to convince me to "ride off into their delusional sunset."

Then yesterday I saw a relevant quote from the Rumi facebook page I follow:

<------

Yeah, these boys are never going to change. And even if they eventually do, it's definitely not going to be on my behalf.

I realized that the only way to fix this is to "clean out my closets" and cut off contact from those exes who will never learn to play nice or have any interest in becoming self-aware. Keeping them around clearly has absolutely no emotional (or physical, if you know what I mean) benefit and I think it's about time I start doing the right thing for me.

Let's think of it as a New Year's Resolution - possibly the only one I've made in the past 10 years, but perfectly 100% doable.

That's what friends are FOR.

My best friends hate the ex that I've been spending time with (with a burning hot passion.) He's really a gem, as demonstrated in this post. Things have clearly always been rocky but occasionally I find myself trying to give him the benefit of the doubt despite the fact that I usually end up regretting it. When talking to Dubs about another guy I've got a wee crush on, I attempted to justify my poor behavior.

me: so, I'm over it

Dubs: Dude

You should be over it for a million other reasons than that

not the least of which is that if you hadn't already rode that dick, I'd swear he was packing a yeasty vagina.

And is psychotic

me: hahahhaahahahahah

told Wee Crush he made me blush so he asked if he could just flirt with me all day

Dubs: CUUUUTE

me: dude, it just keeps getting cuter. I give up

Let's just think of this bout with ****** as a placeholder while I was bored and Wee Crush was out of town

Dubs: Yes, Let's

it helps explain away your severe lapse in judgement a little better.

You are SO grounded if you go out with him again. He leaves in the middle of sex. He's like a mid-30's middle schooler, dude.

me: God, I love you.

Nerds on nerds

I love my friends. I get to have conversations that result in these types of witticisms:

"telecom kids are cute

they, like other router jocks, really think they're way more special than they are"

The things men text me.

This morning for work I decided to forgo my usual jeans and cap for a cardigan and cute little dress over leggings, knee high socks and my favorite pair of black boots. Within minutes of arriving at work and having the girls ooh and ahh over my 'fit I got a text from a gentleman in my apartment building who I had exchanged numbers with after numerous encounters in the elevator. The best bits of our back and forth have been included below for your pleasure:

Neighbor: I just saw a super hot girl in black boots crossing our parking lot and said "oh wait, that's Alyson." Haha :) How's the bf sitch?

Me: HAHA! Thanks. I'm single once again and enjoying it. ;)

N: Me too. Too much drama! Let's hang a bit soon. Maybe you can wear those boots! :).

Me: They seem to be a crowd favorite at work today!

N: I'm sure they are. Perhaps u should throw in a pair of thigh highs next time u wear them? :) might as well go for the total shock factor.

Me: Um, I work with a bunch of old dirty men & get sexually harassed regularly enough as it is. They're drooling over the knee high socks so I may already be pushing it.

N: Humm. U should try using your shape to get a raise! I betcha it works if u try. :).

Me: I'm sure it already does, but not the kind of "raise" that would benefit me financially.

N: I sure hope I don't fall into the dirty old man category!

Me: You can't be that much older than me.

N: True but my mind is somewhat dirty. At times. :). Haha.

Me: Well, that's preferable to being a total square.

N: Ya I don't fit into the square arena at all. U know ud prob mix really well with a few hot tats. Anyone ever plant that seed?

Me: Um, I'm covered in tattoos.

N: Bullshit! Really??? Where and how come you don't show them?

Me: Hahahahah! I've got 'em all over but most of them are covered in cold weather. I've been getting inked since I was 14, no joke. You got a Facebook, old man? ;)

N: Wow. That's a huge turn on for me. Tats make my left shake with the spankin itch. Haha. Seriously. My x gf got a tat of my hand imprint on her left cheek. Was kind of funny. I got off facebook. Was tired of the dorky comments etc however I need to reactivate my account now that I job searching. Plus I had tons of kitesurfing/band photos on there I need to save.

Me: Well, there are pics with my tats on there. I'm not a huge fan of having my ass slapped, sadly.

N: Well, for the record I'd never slap a woman but have been known to provide a firm spank during erotic times. Have any photos of your tats on your phone u can send?

Me: I don't. All on my old phone.

N: No worries. Maybe you can show me some time. I'll sit on my hands. I hope are aware that I'm not too serious about the spankin thang tho. However I will say that u do have some pretty potent pheremones. At least what I can sense in an elevator for a few seconds. Haha.

Yes folks - this happens to me on a regular basis. I've shied away from posting most of it before but I have been urged by Dubs to share these priceless moments with the world. Enjoy.

My ass thanks me, I'm sure.

About one minute in to the following video, you are introduced to a Garrett Melkonian, a nice gent I used to date billions of years ago.



When I think of how much I might weigh now had I continued seeing a pastry chef I shudder. Still, I am so happy to see that he's been successful - after spending a good amount of time working with Tom Douglas as Executive Pastry Chef for the Douglas restaurants he moved over to Spring Hill in my 'hood. I haven't eaten anything he's made for probably 10 years and I can't say I'm too sad about that - at least my waistline isn't.

Also, I really can't bake for shit so I imagine I'd eventually be overcome with jealousy that he makes a better pie crust or something.

Blast from the past!

I just remembered I have a Tumblr account that I haven't updated for a little over 2 years.

alysonoholic.tumblr.com

Basically I started that one and gave it up for this one. From now on, my little Tumblr baby is going to be designated for my short bursts of humor, observations and maybe a mini-rant or two (kinda like my twitter, but clearly much cooler.)

It's official - I'm in love...

...with Bikram yoga and road trips.

The heat, the sweat, the sense of accomplishment when you have conquered another of the 26 poses...The challenge is so rewarding. It's also the perfect rainy season replacement for running.

I purchased another Groupon (gawd I love these discount sites/emails) for a 10 class punch card at Bikram Yoga Burien after I took a few weeks off when I ran out of classes from Bikram Yoga in West Seattle. Burien is pretty close to me so it's definitely more appealing than the deals I've seen for other places on the Eastside and in North Seattle - I don't want to have to shower at the studio and I can't imagine more than a 15 minute drive covered in drying sweat. The studio isn't as nice, but my instructor (Gary Smith) was super easy on the eyes and I plan to get back to going at least twice a week until I either find another deal nearby or save up the dough to buy a membership at one of the studios.

In other news, in nine days we are embarking on another trip down to Portland. Dubs has the day off so she will definitely be riding down with the Sailor and I and this time we've decided to book a room at the Ace Hotel instead of the Jupiter (though there is nothing wrong with the Jupiter.) I'm making a point on this trip to hit up the stripclubs and hook up with my cousins Mack & Ben who live in Vancouver and we'll also be meeting up with the Sailor's old navy buddy again.

It looks like this will probably be my last trip this year since my pregnant coworker is ready to pop at the end of December and I'm running a bit low on PTO, so we're gonna make it a good one.

Kenny Powers is my boyfriend.

I spent the Sunday after Thanksgiving watching the second season of Eastbound & Down while lounging around in my "Kenny Powers is my boyfriend" tee-shirt. It was pretty awesome.

I had inexplicably missed most of the second season and I just happened to flip over to a rerun when Sailor and I were at my place on Saturday. He insisted had heard of it but had never seen an episode so we let it roll and laughed our asses off for the next 30 minutes or so.

If you didn't know, Eastbound & Down is rife with profanity and heavy on the hilarity which means it's essentially right up this girl's f*cking alley. Enjoy some of the finer moments (probably NSFW, folks:)

Season 3 is slated to be the last, but I'm still looking forward to it immensely.

Things to be thankful for...

This year has had it's highs and lows but ultimately there are so many things that I can be thankful for today (and every day, like we all should be.)

*my health

*my brilliant friends who support me and challenge me

*my family

*living in this gorgeous city

*a handsome and quirky suitor

*a comfortable home

*a decent job

*Gizmo and Bread

*the internet which brings me gems like this:

Murmuration from Sophie Windsor Clive on Vimeo.

13 days.

It's been a pretty busy 13 days since I last posted here, kiddos.

After watching the Pacquiao/Marquez fight (something I thought I may never do, let alone enjoy) Sailor convinced me to go out dancing with our ex-coworker, his lovely wife and their friends that we had joined for the boxing match. Well, I shook my ass and he enjoyed his lemon drop.

I've recently given up most hard liquor and Sailor likes girly drinks, so trips to the bar are always amusing when I order a beer and he orders some kind of frou frou beverage - the man loves a mimosa.

The trip to Portland was fucking fantastic (though really freakin' cold.)

*The Jupiter was lovely. They have chalkboard paint on all the doors and after I spent a few minutes adding some of my personal "art"

Sailor added his own:

*HUMP! was great, if not better, for the second time and meeting up beforehand with my local friends Rylee and Adam was icing on the cake.

*I dropped my entire purse into a puddle during a "Chinese Fire Drill" and I am still wondering what dissolved into a pink powder in one of the pockets.

*We went to Voodoo Doughnuts Too and Fire on the Mountain TWICE (thanks to DP's old navy buddy Seth for introducing me to this WING HEAVEN.)

*We walked a lot and trekked our way through SE Portland and downtown; on our way back across the Burnside bridge I noticed a sign for a Dirt Nasty show that evening and proceeded to spend 5 minutes telling Sailor who he was before realizing he had been walking 10 feet in front of us the entire time.

*We didn't end up going to the strip club, but did end up capturing some pretty entertaining moments from our trip on his Super 8 camera app.

Before we even got home we were talking about another joint weekend excursion - this time we're thinking Vancouver, BC early in December...Still, I have a feeling I may be back to Portland for the weekend sometime very very soon.

Yay for pretentious foodie bullsh*t!

I always loved Ted Allen on Queer Eye for the Straight Guy (remember that?) and this (satirical, for those of you who can't quite tell) piece from The Onion makes me like him even more.

Celebrity Chef Ted Allen Cooks His Favorite Pretentious Foodie Bullshit Meal

Is that rude?

I am slightly dreading tonight's bikram class. I'm back with my original instructor who seems to be slightly more hardcore than the one I've gotten used to, OR she was just trying to make a point with one of the girls in my class who (in my opinion) was being a bit rude.

From what I've seen so far, pacing is a pretty important aspect of bikram and in almost every pose this chick (who actually seemed quite adept at the poses) was coming out of the posture about 5 seconds before our teacher told us to "change," which is the signal to the students to slowly come out of the current pose. By the end of the session I was convinced that the instructor was holding the poses longer than usual just to make a point. Also, though I understand posture is important this girl was incessantly staring at herself in the side mirrors while the rest of us were diligently focused on the front mirrors as you're typically told to do at least a few times throughout a class.

Focus is key and you're definitely supposed to only be paying attention to yourself and your own practice but I found myself incredibly distracted by this student's behavior. I got the distinct feeling that she had either been practicing for a while or had taken the bikram teacher training, but I still think that the instructor is essentially the boss and you should do your best to stay with the rest of the class.

Am I being overly judgmental or was she not following the typical bikram etiquette? Either way, I'm praying she isn't in my class again this evening.

womp womp

Another fantastic weekend, but sadly I got so wrapped up in pet-sitting and HUMP! 7 I completely blew my "post everyday" goal for the month. Oops.

HUMP! was amazing (recap here with SPOILERS;) so incredibly good that when we met up afterward I immediately convinced Sailor that he should go see it with me while we're in Portland. And I got the "I got HUMPED" tshirt. Had to.

This weekend I also fell in love. Every time I went over to take care of my friend's kitties, sweet little (5 pounds!) thing Honky would jump into my lap after she got done eating and purr her little heart out until I had to leave. I'm completely smitten. Today my be my last day taking care of her, but a little piece of Honky will always be in my heart.

The Black Keys can do no wrong.

In a little over a month the new The Black Keys album El Camino will be out (December 6th!) and if this new single is any indication, I'll be loving it as hard as all the rest.

"There's a lot to be said here..."

A friend was recently recounting a dream they had and I found myself almost immediately inspired by the striking portrait it painted of two people on seemingly opposite sides of a situation; in the dream's case, a high school basketball court. The desire to turn his one sentence narrative into a full blown short story was immediately awakened and when he strongly suggested I pitch it to him with the intention to make it a short film my mind was again drawn back to the psychic reading that I had so many years ago (part one, part two, part 3, part 4, part 5.) Near the end of my reading (part 5 if you don't want to slog through the whole thing) she encouraged me to pursue writing and most specifically - penning plays.

At once, I started working on a rough draft and after I arrived home I spent the next few available hours before my bikram class continuing to flesh it out. Within 24 hours I had a solid story line to present to my pal and the Madre (who had helped me through a few ideas.) It's going to have to take a backseat over the next few days as I start pet-sitting my friend's cats this evening, but I have an intriguing tingle that tells me this could be quite an entertaining project.

Watch out, Portland.

In less than 3 weeks, my longtime friend Sailor and I will be descending upon the famed Jupiter Hotel for an extended weekend and what is sure to be plenty of debauchery. I've been needing a mini vacation (and definitely owe some friends a visit,) he wanted a chance to catch up with an old Navy buddy in Oregon and my bff Dubs is always looking for a ride south to see her dude so we actually managed to coordinate an upcoming trip to lovely Portland. I'm really not sure I could have better roadtrip partners.

I'm freakin' thrilled to be going to the land of Stumptown Coffee, Voodoo Doughnut, and strip clubs with booze and no "4 foot rule" (I'm coming for you, Union Jacks.)

NaBloPoMo begins!

As November commences you should see my posts increase in frequency (and most likely brevity) as NaBloPoMo kicks off (that's National Blog Posting Month for those of you who aren't big into the "blog scene.") Essentially the main goal is to publish a post every single day for the entire month, following a daily prompt if you find yourself stuck for ideas.

I started with a pretty solid block last year but was thwarted around day 13 by illness, Red Dead Redemption and my Deadwood addiction.

Gratefully, this year I can see I'm in a much better place all around - mentally, physically, spiritually (the version/definition of the concept that is completely unrelated to any of that organized religion...um..."stuff") and thanks to the wonderful world of technology I'm pretty sure I can blog from my Android phone (which may prove really useful for some travel plans I have coming up.)

I think you might consider staying tuned for my month of amateur porn, amateur vet-teching, roadtrips, strippers, and going away parties.

St. Vincent & sand = NO FAIL

My raw "pasta" dinner was mostly successful, I suppose, though it wasn't quite enough and we ended up at Proletariat Pizza picking up half of their amazing Ham & Egg pie (my second visit that week AND the same exact pizza...lordy.) It was seriously indulgent enough to work in perfect harmony with the cheesecake and chocolate cake Sailor brought for dessert from Bakery Noveau (I have to say he's got pretty good taste.)

As I julienned the big pile of veggies we chatted, made plans for a joint roadtrip and he introduced me to the charming music of St. Vincent (he definitely has a knack for being able to suggest the perfect tunes for his friends.) After dinner and a bottle of wine to wash it down we headed to Alki in the middle of the night and proceeded to enjoy the bottle of port DP had stashed in his car while running around on the beach in the cold like a couple of foolish teenagers. If you haven't peed in the Puget Sound before then you're most assuredly missing out. When I awoke Sunday afternoon to my pile of sandy clothes and salt-crusted shoes, I couldn't help but grin and giggle. I have a feeling that by the time he goes back to LA I'm going to have half a dozen more stories of our antics and possibly half a functioning liver.

"Oh look, more sand!" - Sailor

Hello Halloween FAIL(?)

So, even after weeks of months of planning my possible costume for this weekend I actually ended up with no real plans to go "out" but instead of being upset, I'm a bit amused.

Technically, I did get invited out and of course there are half a dozen costume-y parties I could attend; I'm actually not really feeling it. Instead, I'll be having my friend Sailor over for dinner again - a gent who is apparently "not big on that dress up shit" and curious enough about a raw "pasta" recipe that I've been wanting to try out to pass up on an invitation to both of us from our old coworker to terrorize the bars downtown with him and his wife.

Though part of me feels that I technically "failed" at one of my favorite holidays, the other part is pretty confident that it'll be a lovely weekend even if I don't end up getting out into the costumed craziness that is sure to ensue tonight. It's been pretty freakin' dreary out and a night at home with a good meal, bottle of wine and interesting company isn't sounding too shabby at all.

In other news, this week has been delightful. I got to meet my pet-sitting wards Thursday night before Bikram and I have to admit that Honky and Orville are two sweet, adorable cats who I will be more than happy to take care of while my friends go out of town, despite the fact that Honky requires IV fluids every other day. I got a chance to try my hand at administering the fluids that same night and it really didn't freak me out as much as I had thought it might.

I also got in 2 Bikram classes in with no savasanas (another small class guilted me into pushing myself harder) AND The Madre found out her auditioning classes payed off when she got the part of Helga ten Dorp in a local production of the play "Deathtrap" - I'm so darn proud.

SAD.

It's not even really winter yet and it seems many I know lately are already fighting SAD (seasonal affective disorder) or just finding themselves depressed in general.

Whether it's due to the weather or not so ideal circumstances that may be happening for you lately, fellow blogger and awesome cartoonist Allie of Hyberbole and a Half makes it clear you're not alone (and will probably extract a least a giggle out of you) with her most recent post "Adventures in Depression."

"You're so fucking special."

There were 3 people including me in my Bikram class on Tuesday night.

I guess the 8:30 PM start time is a bit of a stretch for some, but I find myself looking forward to slipping into the studio 15 minutes early and allowing time to relish the heat and savasana before I put my body through it's paces. Afterwards I have just enough time to go home and shower, grab a snack and slide into bed with my book for a while before I drop off to sleep.

I really have a spectacularly cozy bed so that last part of the evening when my clean skin and buzzing muscle is cradled by soft sheets and the light pressure of my warm duvet it feels completely luscious. It's become a ritual that I would probably find hard to put aside for an earlier class, though clearly late sessions are not for everyone.

That being said, I am actually considering trying the 6:30 class tonight because I keep exchanging glances with a hot tattooed dude that always seems to be coming out of class as I'm going in...But, I digress.

With 3 students in class you basically guarantee you're going to get personal attention; alternatively, you feel like a total lazy schmo if you consider savasana (or what I like to call "laying the fuck down") so I made it through my first entire class without a single non sequence savasana. My teacher also boasted that I was on my 11th or 12th class when it was in fact my 6th, so I ended up feeling pretty darn special by the time I shuffled out of the studio.

very virgo metal monkey.

Okay, yes - I read 3 different horoscopes every week. Mock me all you want; I know many, many, many people think astrology is completely silly. That's fine with me (see: "IDGAF...") Really. I still like you, though.

Sundays I get my weekly Astrocenter email, Tuesdays I get Rob Brezsny's Free Will Astrology link via his Facebook page (I swear, all the cool shit is on Facebook these days,) and on my fancy igoogle homepage I get a free daily horoscope that I check out before I start gchatting. Honestly, I've never paid too much attention to the one I see daily until recently.

It keeps urging me to be patient lately (thanks bunches, fellow Seattleite and Master Astrologer Rick Levine...) Here is my typical response (as The Madre can attest,) borrowed from The Missus at On Common Ground (and someecards:)

I like a little hustle and bustle and I do it all in 4 inch heels.

I'm beginning to think staying busy keeps me sane.

This week I'm testing that theory with a pizza date with a longtime friend, 2 nights of bikram, a beauty appointment, a pre-pet sitting meeting with a few local friends annnnd that's all before Friday. In the meantime, I'm trying to coordinate some kind of mini-vacation to Oregon or California before my coworker goes on maternity leave in December and I'm stuck in Seattle.

In other news, I should be receiving these boots this week (so hot, right? don't be jels) and after being told I smell "lovely" by everyone from bartenders and random people on the street to close friends I have decided to restock my special signature scent blend. It's like Christmas in October! Also, in hopes of maintaining my "excruciatingly hot" status (thanks, Sailor) I've been inspired to sign up for a month-long membership at Seattle Integrated Martial Arts.

I imagine by the end of this year my ass is going to be in spectacular shape and I'm going to be so zen I won't know what the hell to do with myself.

Dedications.

Gawd, I absolutely love someecards.

I submit for your approval three cards I would like to address to a few of the men in my life recently.

Going for 5!

This will be my 5th year raising funds for the Arthritis Foundation through the Seattle Jingle Bell Run and though I have participated on a Yelp team for a few of those years, this time I'm signed up as an individual once again.

I am starting early but I've set a smaller goal for myself ($300) after raising a few thousand dollars for the program over the past few years. Don't get me wrong, even if I didn't personally have arthritis I'd be supporting this cause as the numbers are staggering - did you know that one in five Americans is afflicted? That's more than 50 million Americans including over 300,000 children – costing the U.S economy over $128 billion annually as the number one cause of disability. Crazy, right? That's why 80% of the funds that are raised go to important research and program services.

If you'd like to help, please consider donating here: http://seattlejinglebellrun.kintera.org/alyson or registering to run with me here. Even if you aren't in the Seattle area, there should be a run/walk being hosted somewhere near you!

Have you ever seen a picture of your ex...

and/or their new significant other/dating prospects and felt REALLY FREAKING GOOD about moving on? It's a horribly satisfying feeling. I mean, it's happened to me practically a bajillion times since high school but it really doesn't ever get old.

My coworkers and close friends like to say it's because I have shit taste in men, which is obviously at least partially true. Of course, I'd like to think I'm aging like a fine wine and just getting better as the years go by (which is much easier when you've never had to stress over a bad marriage and kids.)

Anywhoo...I went running on Sunday for the first time in almost exactly six months and though I'm a little sore and realized my form sucks enough to cause ridiculous headaches (I don't know exactly what I'm doing with my shoulders, but it is clearly WRONG) it was a nice alternative to Bikram.

This weekend it appears I'll be lucky enough to get some face time with an old friend of mine; we worked together at my very first job in Seattle, way back in '98. I'm having him over for dinner and, finally, I'll have a reason to harvest some of my homegrown chives for my famous goat cheese and chive potato cakes! Sadly, my broccoli is very leafy and pretty but not really productive and my chard is still way too small, but I should be able to get a few cucumbers out of the bush if I want to somehow incorporate those into dinner. Soon enough my handsome friend will be back in LA working in cinematography and who really knows how many years it will be before I see him again (and if he'll even remember me when he gets all rich and famous, eh?)

Bikram yoga is hot.

First session of Bikram: "Ohmigod, what are you doing? Are you crazy? An hour and a half of this? Just lay down, jeezus. I feel gross and out of shape."

Second session of Bikram: "Wellll, I don't think this is helping with my cold, but hey - I can actually do that pose! Oof, okay, maybe I should lay down for this one. Ahh, look at the first-timers...It ain't easy, is it, bitches? Okay, maybe I'm not so gross and out of shape."

Third session of Bikram: "Alright, it doesn't seem as ridiculously hot...Oh really, Miss Instructor, you want me to do what? Oh. Wow. I can do it. Weird. Oh my goodness, I barely laid down at all - I rock! Peep those muscles - I'm looking good!"

After my third class, the instructor (I had a different teacher for the first 2 classes) asked me if I had gone to another studio and when I told her that I had only done mat work at home with DVDs she complimented me by saying I did very well for someone with only 3 classes under their belt and had demonstrated a really good practice. I was pretty damn proud of myself.

Already it seems when I can't make it to 2 classes a week I start to get the "itch" and start trying to figure out where I can squeeze it into my schedule. I've got another class tonight....I may just be addicted.

"Thy ass doth shakith - Ninja Ian"

On Monday my favorite Ian (I know quite a few; this one is usually called "curly-haired") took me to a Chromeo show and we boogied the evening away. For those of you unfamiliar with the addictive dance grooves of this fun Canadian duo, I submit the following:

And maybe a little bit of this:

Needless to say, I'm getting old and going out on a "school night" left me too freakin' tired to attempt Bikram yoga on Tuesday. By the time my Thursday class rolls around I'm going to be itching for the heat.

For months and months I've followed The Missus' adventures in Bikram at On Common Ground but I never imagined I would get hooked so quickly. More on that coming very soon...

Becoming what you are (cont'd)

I'm not the kind of girl who...

...spends $100 (or more) on a pair of jeans

...is impressed by how many hours a guy spends at the gym each week or how much he spent on his fancy car or the expensive clubs he goes to

...is too chicken to ask a dude out

...lowers her standards just to be in a relationship

...bases her self-worth by what other people think of her

...starves herself to get skinny

...reads Cosmo or Marie Claire or Vogue

...pretends to care about sports

...lets the pain and disappointment in her past affect the happiness of her future

...messes around with or even pursues a dude who has a "lady friend" or "might try to work things out with their ex"

I am a chick with...

...a keen eye for bargains

...a slightly masculine attitude about relationships

...a decent head on her shoulders

...a vigorous reading habit

...mad cooking skills

...the knowledge of how to give a decent lap dance and/or sweet talk someone in Turkish

...a boat-load of respect and love for my friends and family

...a deep desire to continuously learn and grow as a human being

...a well-rounded sense of humor

...and, clearly, a healthy self-image

One of my favorite parts of Fall...

...is Halloween.

I have a costume arsenal in my closet, though it is nothing compared to my bff Dubs' collection - she's, like, a drag queen stuck in a gorgeous chick's body.

I love dressing up. I love costumes, I love food and cooking, I love giving gifts - Fall is definitely my season.

For the past few months I've been pretty set on being an emo scene kid this October (defined by Urban Dictionary as :

scene kid = boy/girl. usually seen wearing neon colors w/ black. leopard and/or zebra print obsessed. hair colored at least 2 different colors and cut at different angles. male scene kids usually try to attain over 500 friends on myspace and post pictures up of themselves making out with other boys. female

scene kids just ADORE neon colored eye shadow and wear one thousand layers of eyeliner. hair of both sexes is usually parted to the side.

All I need to do is track down a tight band tee and some coon-tail extensions and I'm pretty much ready to go.

Then I saw this costume (which would actually be super-simple to make and is cute, but non-slutty:)

A Cookie Monster costume! Look at that adorable headband!! Honestly though, I don't know that I will have the time or motivation to make a costume in the next three weeks. I've got Bikram again tonight and multiple plans this weekend (which is my ultimate goal since I'm focusing on making new friends and meeting new people after I realized cute, available boys are not going to just pop up on my doorstep) so I am severely tempted to go the easy route.

What are you going to be for Halloween this year?

TL;DR

For those of you non-nerds, the title of this post stands for Too Long; Didn't Read, which may have been the thought in your collective heads as you looked at my last few posts. Lordy, I am wordy lately.

New goal: more posts, less words.

On on that note, here is the prettiest short film I have ever seen about something pretty darn hideous (Juggalos.) Whaddya think? Are you "down with the clown?"

American Juggalo from Sean Dunne on Vimeo.

Hot Yoga/hot mess

Well, I'm not sure I have ever felt more unattractive - staring at your sweaty body in a mirror for 90 minutes is tough on the ol' ego.

For those of you who may still be unfamiliar with Bikram yoga (which is slightly different from "hot,") here's the Wiki scoop:

Bikram Yoga is a system of yoga that Bikram Choudhury synthesized from traditional yoga techniques and popularized beginning in the early 1970s. Bikram's classes run exactly 90 minutes and consist of a set series of 26 postures and 2 breathing exercises. Bikram Yoga is ideally practiced in a room heated to 105°F (≈ 40.6°C) with a humidity of 40%, and is the most popular form of hot yoga (a series of yoga poses done in a heated room).

So, I tried my first class at 8:30 PM Tuesday night with the plan to head home after 10PM to shower and most likely go straight to bed as I expected to be exhausted. I was super early and totally anxious, but the instructor went through the basics (reassuring, since she essentially confirmed I already knew what to expect through my research) and gave me a basic rundown on their space. I headed to the changing room to stash my stuff and then found a place at the back line of the studio where I laid down in savasana and attempted to let my body acclimate to the heat. I didn't hear many people come in and once I opened my eyes after the instructor raised the lights I was somewhat pleased to find we only had about 8 students total in the studio.

It was tough for me from the very beginning and I was sweating lightly before we even got past the first breathing exercise but I stuck it out as much as I possibly could. The standing poses seemed to be the most difficult for me...I used to pride myself on my keen sense of balance, but in class I could not seem to get my knee to lock to create the stability needed for those poses. There was quite a bit of savasana and falling over going on during that part of the series, but I wasn't the only one so it was slightly reassuring. It seems I do have a decent range of flexibility for the floor exercises (possibly left over from my cheer leading days & kept in check with my current yoga regimen) but I clearly still need to work on a lot of strengthening.

I wasn't as exhausted (or smelly) after class as I thought I might be and after I collected my gear and changed my clothes I chatted with the instructor for a few minutes before leaving. She happily told me how Bikram had changed her life, not just her body, and related a few anecdotes that left me thinking "oh hey, that's JUST LIKE ME." I made my way home and hopped in the shower before I grabbed a snack and popped a muscle relaxer (oy, my back) then settled into bed to read for a while and bring my energy level down. I slept well and woke up to find myself not really sore, but definitely feeling worked over. I'd say it's easily the best workout I've had outside of Tae Bo.

That "wow, I look gross" factor is seemingly going to work in my favor as it's an inspiration to go back and keep working on changing my body and through challenging myself, my mind. I've committed myself to going at least twice a week for the next five weeks and I suspect it's gonna hurt a little, but I can tell already I'm going to get some serious results.

Get out of my head, Rob Brezsny.

Yet another week where I'm all "how does he KNOW??" It's creepy.

This would not be a good time for you to read the book called The Complete Idiot's Guide to Enhancing Self-Esteem. In fact, it will never be the right time to read it. While it's true that at this juncture in your life story you can make exceptional progress in boosting your confidence and feeling positive about yourself, you're not an idiot and you don't need idiot-level assistance. If there was a book called The Impish Guide to Accessing and Expressing Your Idiosyncratic Genius, I'd definitely recommend it. Likewise a book titled The Wild-Eyed Guide to Activating Your Half-Dormant Potential or The Brilliant Life-Lover's Guide to Becoming a Brilliant Life-Lover.

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Recently, I really have been experiencing a glut of self-confidence. I feel smart, cute, desirable and that I deserve far better than an unemployed alcoholic who shot himself in the hand while cleaning his gun and lives uncomfortably with his ex-girlfriend (despite my ex trying desperately to convince me otherwise - sorry, Mr. Rock.) I feel mentally and spiritually healthy, I feel absolutely content in my cozy apartment in a neighborhood where I regularly run into friends when I go to the store, I feel I am surrounded by amazingly supportive people and ready to start dating again and all of that is good. Great, even.

That isn't to say I think I'm perfect, or that my life is. I'll admit it now (and some may have a hard time believing this) - I have pretty significant social anxiety issues. Inside me is a shy, nerdy girl who got picked on in school and I just can't seem to completely shake her. I get incredibly nervous going out by myself and uncomfortable in groups of people I don't know well. If you see me out and about at a party or event I've most likely had a drink or two beforehand to calm my nerves. The bad part of that is that I will most likely continue drinking to provide continued social lubricant and at a certain point I just get dumb. If I'm not lubed up I'll typically be a quiet wallflower and end up coming off as unfriendly, which is so not "me." So, even if I'm feeling confident, I find excuses to avoid getting out and meeting new people. I could dazzle the hell out of friends and acquaintances with an adorable dress and a bit of wit, but get me around strangers and I'm a mess.

I've come up with a somewhat unorthodox idea to work to combat this issue - hot (Bikram) yoga. What better way to work on social anxiety issues than to strip down to practically nothing in a room FULL of strangers and sweat your ass off while trying to contort your body in unnatural positions. It's intrinsically one of my worst nightmares and I've been attempting to steel myself for this experience for the past year, but if I can get used to these people seeing me struggle (and possibly fall) and all my grossly sodden imperfections I think I'm one step closer to winning the internal battle. Somehow, to me this all makes sense.

Becoming what you are.

My Free Will Astrology horoscope this week made me think. This is what Rob Brezsny says:

Our job is to become more and more of what we are," says poet Marvin Bell. "The growth of a poet seems to be related to his or her becoming less and less embarrassed about more and more." Whether or not you're a poet, Virgo, I would like to apply this gauge to your own growth. The way I see it, your power to claim your birthright and fulfill your destiny will ultimately hinge to a significant degree on your ability to shed all residual shame about your true nature. And guess what: There has never been a better time to work on that noble project than right now.

I guess that is really what I've been striving for this past year - authenticity and being true to myself. Previously, it was opening myself up to new things and being more tolerant and patient towards others, now it's all about being real. One example: I am no longer going to even try to pretend I am interested in sports. At all. Another: if I am most likely not going to attend an event I'm invited to, I will mark myself as a "no" on the RSVP. Also: if my feelings are hurt, I will tell you why upfront.

Basically, I feel I'm old enough now that I don't need to just tell people what they want to hear so that they aren't upset with me. I gotta tell you - it feels really effin' good.

This is why most of my high school connections were left on Myspace.

Convenient timing.

It appears that Seattle's summer is mostly over, after a somewhat pathetic showing of something like 1000 minutes of temperatures over 80. This just happens to coincide with a 5 day juice fast/supplemental-based cleanse that I decided to challenge myself with and I had expected to spend the weekend hermitting at my apartment, starving and barely in control of my bowels, so I wasn't too upset about the rain. Oddly enough, I've felt mostly normal and managed to be surprisingly productive even outside of my abode. I've woken up earlyish each day and found the energy to hit up a friend's yard sale with Cec, to walk over to Westwood Village to shop for a few pieces of workout wear appropriate for my upcoming Bikram (hot) yoga classes and run other errands, do the normal weekend tidying and squeeze in an at-home yoga session. It may not sound like much, but I had anticipated being basically immobilized by hunger and bowel flushing (oooh, I know how sexy that sounds, y'all) so as Charlie Sheen would say - I'm "WINNING."

What I've found so far with the fast is that 95% of the time I'm not even hungry, despite having intense cravings for all kinds of junk food pretty much constantly. Conversely, I've been thinking about healthy food and what I am going to eat once I'm back on the solids almost the entire time as well. My first dinner will consist of the eggplant I grew in my balcony garden (most likely sauteed or roasted,) oven-baked salmon caught fresh by one of my bff's Dads and possibly rice or potatoes. Maybe a biscuit or a chunk of baguette. I really love bread and nothing about this fast has changed that. I've still got tons of fruit in my fridge from the preparation for the cleanse, a grocery list chock full of more nutritious snacks and staples and meal plan ideas that should keep me on track afterwards. Yeah, I seriously have been thinking about food unceasingly since this began.

Next up is Round 2 for the day of supplements and juice with a big 'ol dose of fiber and a quick pick up of the homestead before I try to drag the Madre to the Indoor Sun Shoppe to help me spend the generous gift card that (the brilliant and amazing) Cec gave me for my recent birthday. Later, I'm thinking Round 3, pedicure, meditation, reading and journaling: it's gonna be a juicy one - I've decided to document (as far back as I can remember and then moving forward) the specific reasons I am not with any of my exes or other gentlemen I have briefly dated, mostly because it would be far too scandalous to post it here...but sometimes a girl needs a reminder, right?

Happy Birthday to me.

My birthday is coming up in a little over a week. I'm calling this one 30FUN, though I somehow still feel like I'm 25 and was getting carded for cigarettes until I stopped buying them.

I'm not sure if it's a coincidence, but lately I've been incredibly moved to get on a healthier track and work on feeling and looking better in general. A friend and his girlfriend have been doing a cleanse/detox and posting their progress on tumblr and that Fat Sick and Nearly Dead documentary has been everywhere these days. I have been eating better after becoming more adept at creating balanced meals for one person though I still eat far more processed foods and not as many vegetables/fruit as I should. Obviously, I am hoping my balcony garden experiment will put a dent in that.

I'm patiently waiting for my order of Barlean's Greens capsules to show up; last time I quit smoking I was having killer headaches that my LMP suggested were caused by detoxing and would be helped by the greens. I drank the powder with juice and and it was still a bit too gritty for my taste but it definitely seemed to work on my headaches as well as giving me more energy, so the capsules should hopefully be just the thing. Also, I finally got one of those cute little insulated cups for work and I'm drinking a lot more water lately to help flush all the crap out of my system. Still, I think I'll do some research and the week after my birthday I'll probably do some additional detox/cleansing. Juicing sounds promising but I don't own a juicer, nor do I want to invest in one at the moment. Anyone have any leads on cleanses/detox programs they have used successfully?

While I'm priming my insides, I am not neglecting the outside! I am using whitestrips for my teeth as a mini-reward for not smoking anymore (they work and you can find them super cheap on eBay, y'all) and now that the sun has come out in Seattle I've gotten a nice, healthy tan.

In spite of all the stress from this past year, I've made it to another birthday feeling improved inside and out - fitter, smarter, and in fine feather emotionally as well as spiritually. I think 30FUN is what it's all about, kids.

Tahini and sesame oil.

They're even close not the same, folks. All this time I've been making my hummus with sesame oil (because I had failed to find tahini in any of my normal grocery stores) and it did not taste right. Dubs improved it by encouraging me to add lemon juice, but it was still weird until she hooked me up with a big ol' jar of tahini from a downtown mexi mart. It makes a huge difference and it became pretty clear there's no good substitute. My hummus is now delicious.

Work was crazy for a few weeks and killed my social life, but conveniently it occurred right around the time I decided to quit smoking (AGAIN) which is much easier to do when I'm not out visiting with friends over drinks. Maybe not so weirdly, I've been inspired to try to be healthier in general so I'm easing back into yoga and pilates and trying to watch what I eat more closely. I think the daily visits to my garden help my motivation, though I am patiently waiting for something other than my chives to be ready to harvest. I have a wee eggplant that seems to be coming along nicely, but my chard and broccoli still have a ways to go. My burpless bush cucumber has basically tripled in size, but I'm not seeing any real fruit yet.

This week I'm going to try to wrap up all the little miscellaneous projects around the apartment and work on finally getting my bedroom settled. It hasn't been much of a priority but now that I'm back in the swing of things and I plan on having guests over more often it's probably a good idea. I'm still trying to figure out what to do bed frame wise, but I know sooner than later I'll have to get my mattress off the floor, 'cause that's just not very classy.

On the "away from home" side of things, I have started planning for a possible trip to NOLA to the French Quarter Festival in April. I haven't taken a vacation in ages and I've never been anywhere in the South nor gone on a trip alone, so I am trying to mentally and financially prepare for my first solo adventure. I am slightly concerned about finding reasonably priced accommodations, but one I have my flight booked I'll be researching like crazy. It's actually really nice to finally be able to look forward to a trip and not have to worry about planning or scheduling around anyone else!

Hello people!

I have not forgotten about you; I have just been slammed at work and too exhausted to formulate complete sentences once I get home. Consider this your musical interlude before I return to (somewhat) regular posting again.

I f*cking love The Black Keys.

Progress!

Please do excuse the blurry picture, I have yet to master the camera on my new phone and I'm no pro, even with a regular camera.

This is my current set up for veggies and herbs, minus the calabrese broccoli which has just been started in another area of my balcony. I hijacked an old picnic bench from The Madre (and strung the cutest little set of lights underneath -more pictures to come, swears) to create enough height for the green babies to get enough of the sun and add ambiance in addition to it's functionality.

From the top: I have burpless bush cucumbers, ichiban eggplant, neon glow chard, chives, Moroccan mint and chocolate mint. This weekend I have a feeling I'll add some basil - all of a sudden I have to desire to be able to make fresh pesto.

Last weekend I picked up a hanger for my butterfly garden pot; installation should be a quick

weekend project and then I'll be on the lookout for a new pot to accommodate the new mini bee balm, which is apparently pretty bushy. On the floral side, I'm really focusing on plants that are known to attract butterflies and hummingbirds, but the bee balm also has the added benefit of being a wonderful tea herb and salad garnish. I truly just thought the flowers looked neat. I haven't seen any hummingbirds around and I have my doubts they'd target my 4th floor balcony, but a girl can dream, right?

By the time I've got everything organized for my housewarming there should be a bounty of pretty things out there for my guests to enjoy. This weekend when I'm not working on the garden and getting the rest of my place prepped, I'm going to take advantage of the forecasted rain and find some time to hang with the bffs as well as finish reading my current book. Hopefully I can round it off with a nice pancake brunch (a friend's brilliant housewarming idea) and some mimosas in Ballard and be ready to return on Monday to another week of work hell.

...and I'm feeling good.

I spent a little time hanging out with one of my exes recently (no, not "Bear," though we did go back and forth yesterday on facebook, with no positive results) until it became more and more clear that he was still a hot mess and came with way more baggage than I'm interested in checking on Alyson Airlines.

Since I quickly put the kibosh on that one, I have returned to my temporary boy boycott and am continuing to settle into my apartment. Honestly, I don't know that I've ever been happier! I feel more functional and evolved than I ever have been before and completely content to be single as I move forward.

Almost every weekend I get out with the Madre to wander around to find new plants and supplies for my balcony garden. The vegetable portion is coming along nicely; last weekend I added eggplant and burpless bush cucumbers and I am digging all the greenness. My hanging "butterfly garden" pot has yet to bloom, but I picked up some miniature bee balm to placate the part of me that wants flowers NOW. Sadly, I think it's too late this year to bloom the dahlias and peonies I had hoped to plant.

On the nerdy tip, I'm almost done with Clash of Kings from the Song of Fire and Ice series. My coworker who is a book behind me went on vacation and I barely resisted the urge to paper her monitor with spoilers. I've got book 5 (acquired at the reading last week) just sitting on my shelf, staring at me and pressuring me to hurry the eff up, but these books are all just a little under 1000 pages a piece so I don't imagine I'll finish before the end of the summer.

Still, as I lie in my bed reading at night with a view of the progress on the balcony and Gizmo and Bread beside me, I can't help but feel like my life is really GOOD.

Shameless Plug - Charles: Ace of Bass sketch comedy

Shamefully, I hadn't been in the 619 Western building for possibly years before Sunday night despite the fact that a few of my friends have shown at numerous First Thursdays. If I had been, I might have been more prepared to walk into a colorful, characterful, likely deathtrap that as of August 1st is no longer allowed to hold public events. The intentional graffiti helped distract me from the gaping cracks in the walls, notices that made it very clear we'd be totally screwed if an earthquake were to hit and the sense of impending doom, so yay for that.

You, Dear Reader, will be lucky enough to see the Charles: Ace of Bass show at Ballard Underground because A) that's where the show will be continuing this Friday and Saturday and B) you're buying tickets because you'd be stupid to miss their first full-length original show.

Shortly after settling into my seat, Stephen Ross (of Ubiquitous They Fame, also helping with tech for this weekend's gigs) dragged out a big blue cooler, telling the audience that the show would be starting in a few minutes and he would be leaving said cooler full of beer at the front of the stage until they were ready to proceed, while encouraging the audience to help themselves. Any show that offers me a free beer upfront automatically wins bonus points...

Not that these guys needed my bonus points.

Opening up, Clayton Weller and Ryan Schmidt from UT showcased a high energy sketch set I hear they've been work-shopping for a while, filled with rapping, coordinated dance moves and lots o' fun pantomime. After a brief intermission where the blue cooler reappeared to everyone's delight, Chuck and Charlie of Charles took the stage (also to everyone's delight - I'm not sure if it was specifically this show, but the turn out was impressive and everyone seemed to know each other.)

Man, these cats are funny, and in that smart way that doesn't make everyone in the crowd feel condescended to. The sketches had a really good flow and the segues as well as additional props (how do you even do that with a Billy the Bass?) were handled deftly. I feel like I could go on and on about how talented I think they are and how much I laughed my ass off, but I also feel like I should impress upon you the awesomeness of the deal they are offering: approximately 90 minutes of hilarity for $10 is a freakin' steal. C'mon, it's Seattle - you know you've paid more for less funny. Truly, my only disappointment stems from the fact that my work schedule prevented me from taking them up on their audience-wide offer to have drinks with them at a nearby bar afterward.

So, GO FORTH AND BE AMUSED my fine friends, and if you need someone to hold your hand on the foray to funny hit me up and I'll gladly attend with you. This week's openers are The DK and Morgan Show from Bellingham (who unfortunately I am completely unfamiliar with but seem to be drawing equally assuring praise.) Do it.