Cleaning out the closet.

Friday, December 30, 2011
Within a mass flurry of ex texts, passive aggressive/misogynist facebook posts, etc. this week I learned a few things about these boys I had dated and myself. Here's a gem from my most very recent ex:

Yes, I date assholes. Pretty much everyone I know is constantly joking "oh, you sure do know how to pick 'em." (Honestly though, Bear was a freakin' saint compared to 80% of my exes so I would like to make it abundantly clear that he is not counted within the "asshole" category - that's probably why we were together for a year and a half.)

So, I date jerks and then I try to BE FRIENDLY WITH THEM afterward in some sick, stupid sense of duty. Even when all of my friends hate them. And then I end up miserable just trying to deflect the snarky comments and judgments and manipulation and craziness and trying to convince me to "ride off into their delusional sunset."

Then yesterday I saw a relevant quote from the Rumi facebook page I follow:

Yeah, these boys are never going to change. And even if they eventually do, it's definitely not going to be on my behalf.

I realized that the only way to fix this is to "clean out my closets" and cut off contact from those exes who will never learn to play nice or have any interest in becoming self-aware. Keeping them around clearly has absolutely no emotional (or physical, if you know what I mean) benefit and I think it's about time I start doing the right thing for me.

Let's think of it as a New Year's Resolution - possibly the only one I've made in the past 10 years, but perfectly 100% doable.

That's what friends are FOR.

Thursday, December 29, 2011
My best friends hate the ex that I've been spending time with (with a burning hot passion.) He's really a gem, as demonstrated in this post. Things have clearly always been rocky but occasionally I find myself trying to give him the benefit of the doubt despite the fact that I usually end up regretting it. When talking to Dubs about another guy I've got a wee crush on, I attempted to justify my poor behavior.

me: so, I'm over it

Dubs: Dude

You should be over it for a million other reasons than that

not the least of which is that if you hadn't already rode that dick, I'd swear he was packing a yeasty vagina.

And is psychotic

me: hahahhaahahahahah

told Wee Crush he made me blush so he asked if he could just flirt with me all day


me: dude, it just keeps getting cuter. I give up

Let's just think of this bout with ****** as a placeholder while I was bored and Wee Crush was out of town

Dubs: Yes, Let's

it helps explain away your severe lapse in judgement a little better.

You are SO grounded if you go out with him again. He leaves in the middle of sex. He's like a mid-30's middle schooler, dude.

me: God, I love you.

Nerds on nerds

Thursday, December 22, 2011
I love my friends. I get to have conversations that result in these types of witticisms:

"telecom kids are cute
they, like other router jocks, really think they're way more special than they are"

The things men text me.

Thursday, December 15, 2011
This morning for work I decided to forgo my usual jeans and cap for a cardigan and cute little dress over leggings, knee high socks and my favorite pair of black boots. Within minutes of arriving at work and having the girls ooh and ahh over my 'fit I got a text from a gentleman in my apartment building who I had exchanged numbers with after numerous encounters in the elevator. The best bits of our back and forth have been included below for your pleasure:

Neighbor: I just saw a super hot girl in black boots crossing our parking lot and said "oh wait, that's Alyson." Haha :) How's the bf sitch?

Me: HAHA! Thanks. I'm single once again and enjoying it. ;)

N: Me too. Too much drama! Let's hang a bit soon. Maybe you can wear those boots! :).

Me: They seem to be a crowd favorite at work today!

N: I'm sure they are. Perhaps u should throw in a pair of thigh highs next time u wear them? :) might as well go for the total shock factor.

Me: Um, I work with a bunch of old dirty men & get sexually harassed regularly enough as it is. They're drooling over the knee high socks so I may already be pushing it.

N: Humm. U should try using your shape to get a raise! I betcha it works if u try. :).

Me: I'm sure it already does, but not the kind of "raise" that would benefit me financially.

N: I sure hope I don't fall into the dirty old man category!

Me: You can't be that much older than me.

N: True but my mind is somewhat dirty. At times. :). Haha.

Me: Well, that's preferable to being a total square.

N: Ya I don't fit into the square arena at all. U know ud prob mix really well with a few hot tats. Anyone ever plant that seed?

Me: Um, I'm covered in tattoos.

N: Bullshit! Really??? Where and how come you don't show them?

Me: Hahahahah! I've got 'em all over but most of them are covered in cold weather. I've been getting inked since I was 14, no joke. You got a Facebook, old man? ;)

N: Wow. That's a huge turn on for me. Tats make my left shake with the spankin itch. Haha. Seriously. My x gf got a tat of my hand imprint on her left cheek. Was kind of funny. I got off facebook. Was tired of the dorky comments etc however I need to reactivate my account now that I job searching. Plus I had tons of kitesurfing/band photos on there I need to save.

Me: Well, there are pics with my tats on there. I'm not a huge fan of having my ass slapped, sadly.

N: Well, for the record I'd never slap a woman but have been known to provide a firm spank during erotic times. Have any photos of your tats on your phone u can send?

Me: I don't. All on my old phone.

N: No worries. Maybe you can show me some time. I'll sit on my hands. I hope are aware that I'm not too serious about the spankin thang tho. However I will say that u do have some pretty potent pheremones. At least what I can sense in an elevator for a few seconds. Haha.

Yes folks - this happens to me on a regular basis. I've shied away from posting most of it before but I have been urged by Dubs to share these priceless moments with the world. Enjoy.

My ass thanks me, I'm sure.

Monday, December 12, 2011
About one minute in to the following video, you are introduced to a Garrett Melkonian, a nice gent I used to date billions of years ago.

When I think of how much I might weigh now had I continued seeing a pastry chef I shudder. Still, I am so happy to see that he's been successful - after spending a good amount of time working with Tom Douglas as Executive Pastry Chef for the Douglas restaurants he moved over to Spring Hill in my 'hood. I haven't eaten anything he's made for probably 10 years and I can't say I'm too sad about that - at least my waistline isn't.

Also, I really can't bake for shit so I imagine I'd eventually be overcome with jealousy that he makes a better pie crust or something.

Blast from the past!

Friday, December 2, 2011
I just remembered I have a Tumblr account that I haven't updated for a little over 2 years.

Basically I started that one and gave it up for this one. From now on, my little Tumblr baby is going to be designated for my short bursts of humor, observations and maybe a mini-rant or two (kinda like my twitter, but clearly much cooler.)