The 2010 Cinco de Mayo Velveeta Saga

Thursday, May 6, 2010
Today when I woke up at 5:30 AM with my stomach gurgling, I knew I would never eat Velveeta ever again. If only my digestive resistance were the cause of this lifelong ban, then I would not have this anecdote to repeat to my future child(ren?).

It all started with an invite from my bestie Digital to attend a Cinco de Mayo potluck with a small group of our closest friends. Every other Wednesday I get a massage after work, so in order to be able to attend the party and contribute food, I essentially needed a Mexican-themed dish that could be prepared quickly, containing ingredients that I would be able to pick up at the store just before I came over. Hrrm. Long story short, I decided to go with tortilla chips and queso. My coworker had made this delightful dip for our last Christmas party, so I got a list of ingredients from her and felt confident that I could replicate it at Digital's despite the fact I didn't have access to a crock pot or a microwave.

Directly after my massage, I dashed across the street to the Morgan Thriftway (a nice, marginally fancy-ish grocery store in West Seattle) and quickly grabbed the chili, chilis, tortilla chips and headed for the cheese section to grab the Velveeta. I have never purchased Velveeta before and I am unfamiliar with this particular store, but I assumed that would be the place to look. And I was wrong. After spending a few minutes scouring the shelves and peering around in hopes of finding an employee (and considering for a moment that this store was just too pretentious to carry such a product,) finally a stock dude was spotted heading in my general direction and flagged down. He also took a moment to try and locate the Velveeta in the same section (unsuccessfully) before heading in search of someone who would know.

It was in the cracker aisle, folks. Apparently, this "pasteurized cheese product" does not require refrigeration. STRIKE ONE.

As disturbing as this knowledge was, I was in a hurry and getting hungry, so I accepted the block and headed for the Hill. As soon as I arrived at Digital's I started to prepare what I hoped would be cheese product deliciousness for my mouth (and those of my lovely friends). I removed the block from the outer cardboard package and as soon as I started to open the foil/plastic packaging I deeply sliced the tip of my thumb open on it's surprisingly sharp edge. Immediately blood started dripping out of my finger. My wound was attended to quickly, but I will count injuring myself before a knife was even picked up as Velveeta's STRIKE TWO.

The orange "cheese" was cubed and tossed into a saucepan with the other ingredients where it was stirred almost constantly until a smooth, dippable consistency was reached and it was ready to be served to the masses. Despite the odd texture and occasional reheating due to it's speedy congealment, it was enjoyed by all - including me...Until very early this morning when my stomach made it clear that it was not as big of a fan. STRIKE THREE, Velveeta - you're OUT.

***For those of you who are patiently waiting for installment 2 of the No Touching post (I will delude myself into thinking you actually exist,) you will be rewarded very soon.


Will said...

Velveeta makes good enchiladas though.

Alyson O'Holic said...

So does real cheese ;) - to help with the meltiness (yes, I am using fake words left and right today,) you can toss the shredded cheese in flour. That little trick was shared by a former employee of the Melting Pot.

Though I must admit, I used to LOVE Velveeta shells and cheese.

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