Reaching the threshold and being ok.

Monday, December 6, 2010
I've found out my breaking point when it comes to my boyfriend being away. Well, I suppose we figured it out before but I didn't realize how the cycle of okayness in my head really truly works (or doesn't.)

Last time Bear left, we agreed that if he were to be gone any longer than 2 months on this recent trip we would figure out a way for one of us to visit. I am now positive this is a pretty good rule to follow from this point forward, for the sake of our sanity if nothing else.

The first month, I'm "OK." I can usually keep myself busy and there aren't too many effects on my daily life, though I am bummed about the non-cuddling and may get a little lazy with my cleaning efforts. Once it passes that one month mark, I start to get sad. Now, if the absence is only one month beyond that I can usually keep it together for another week or so until I have to start readying myself for his return. Pass that one month month with no return date to look forward to and I start to get really sad. Like, "put me on medication sad." I wish I were joking.

Maybe it's just the multiple disappointments we've both had to face this year schedule-wise while still trying to move our relationship forward and the stress of being apart so much AND maybe it will be more bearable as the months go by and we can actually spend more time together than apart, but when it was becoming clear he was going to be gone for 12+ weeks instead of the projected 6-8 it was simply too much for me to handle.

He's my best friend, he's the love of my life, he is my rock; being apart is overwhelmingly hard on both of us. I was already incredibly bummed he'd be gone for Christmas, to add another month beyond that was unimaginable for me. I was crushed. Sadly, it doesn't just strain our relationship, it's also really hard on the friendships I've developed with the rest of his band/management, too.

Thankfully, my Bear is keeping his word. I'm not sure exactly how it came about, but as the offer for the January tour dates became more concrete he apparently became more convinced that he need to come home for a visit. Just like that, "how the hell am I going to make it another 2 months??" transitioned to "oh crap, I have less than 3 weeks to get my sh*t together."

So, he'll come back for a visit and brighten my spirits for the holidays then should only be gone another month beyond that for the tour...Afterward he can come home to me and we can find a bigger place of our own. Finally, our hard work this year will start to pay off the way it should. THAT I can handle.


Anonymous said...

Good for you. Nothing like hard work paying off.
I'm glad he's holding up his end of the bargain and coming to see you. That's the way it ought to be, I think

Alyson O'Holic said...

Yeah, there have been a lot of times this past year where things that were "supposed" to happen didn't (mostly because it was beyond his control, but it's clearly *completely* out of mine...)I think he knew this was pretty important.

I would love to be able to go to Turkey, but a) I have no vacation for the rest of this year after the buy-out and would basically have to use all the money I've been saving up for our move, in addition to b) getting more than 4 work days off in a row for my position pretty much requires a miracle.

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