Cleaning out the closet.

Within a mass flurry of ex texts, passive aggressive/misogynist facebook posts, etc. this week I learned a few things about these boys I had dated and myself. Here's a gem from my most very recent ex:

Yes, I date assholes. Pretty much everyone I know is constantly joking "oh, you sure do know how to pick 'em." (Honestly though, Bear was a freakin' saint compared to 80% of my exes so I would like to make it abundantly clear that he is not counted within the "asshole" category - that's probably why we were together for a year and a half.)

So, I date jerks and then I try to BE FRIENDLY WITH THEM afterward in some sick, stupid sense of duty. Even when all of my friends hate them. And then I end up miserable just trying to deflect the snarky comments and judgments and manipulation and craziness and trying to convince me to "ride off into their delusional sunset."

Then yesterday I saw a relevant quote from the Rumi facebook page I follow:

<------

Yeah, these boys are never going to change. And even if they eventually do, it's definitely not going to be on my behalf.

I realized that the only way to fix this is to "clean out my closets" and cut off contact from those exes who will never learn to play nice or have any interest in becoming self-aware. Keeping them around clearly has absolutely no emotional (or physical, if you know what I mean) benefit and I think it's about time I start doing the right thing for me.

Let's think of it as a New Year's Resolution - possibly the only one I've made in the past 10 years, but perfectly 100% doable.

That's what friends are FOR.

My best friends hate the ex that I've been spending time with (with a burning hot passion.) He's really a gem, as demonstrated in this post. Things have clearly always been rocky but occasionally I find myself trying to give him the benefit of the doubt despite the fact that I usually end up regretting it. When talking to Dubs about another guy I've got a wee crush on, I attempted to justify my poor behavior.

me: so, I'm over it

Dubs: Dude

You should be over it for a million other reasons than that

not the least of which is that if you hadn't already rode that dick, I'd swear he was packing a yeasty vagina.

And is psychotic

me: hahahhaahahahahah

told Wee Crush he made me blush so he asked if he could just flirt with me all day

Dubs: CUUUUTE

me: dude, it just keeps getting cuter. I give up

Let's just think of this bout with ****** as a placeholder while I was bored and Wee Crush was out of town

Dubs: Yes, Let's

it helps explain away your severe lapse in judgement a little better.

You are SO grounded if you go out with him again. He leaves in the middle of sex. He's like a mid-30's middle schooler, dude.

me: God, I love you.

Nerds on nerds

I love my friends. I get to have conversations that result in these types of witticisms:

"telecom kids are cute

they, like other router jocks, really think they're way more special than they are"

The things men text me.

This morning for work I decided to forgo my usual jeans and cap for a cardigan and cute little dress over leggings, knee high socks and my favorite pair of black boots. Within minutes of arriving at work and having the girls ooh and ahh over my 'fit I got a text from a gentleman in my apartment building who I had exchanged numbers with after numerous encounters in the elevator. The best bits of our back and forth have been included below for your pleasure:

Neighbor: I just saw a super hot girl in black boots crossing our parking lot and said "oh wait, that's Alyson." Haha :) How's the bf sitch?

Me: HAHA! Thanks. I'm single once again and enjoying it. ;)

N: Me too. Too much drama! Let's hang a bit soon. Maybe you can wear those boots! :).

Me: They seem to be a crowd favorite at work today!

N: I'm sure they are. Perhaps u should throw in a pair of thigh highs next time u wear them? :) might as well go for the total shock factor.

Me: Um, I work with a bunch of old dirty men & get sexually harassed regularly enough as it is. They're drooling over the knee high socks so I may already be pushing it.

N: Humm. U should try using your shape to get a raise! I betcha it works if u try. :).

Me: I'm sure it already does, but not the kind of "raise" that would benefit me financially.

N: I sure hope I don't fall into the dirty old man category!

Me: You can't be that much older than me.

N: True but my mind is somewhat dirty. At times. :). Haha.

Me: Well, that's preferable to being a total square.

N: Ya I don't fit into the square arena at all. U know ud prob mix really well with a few hot tats. Anyone ever plant that seed?

Me: Um, I'm covered in tattoos.

N: Bullshit! Really??? Where and how come you don't show them?

Me: Hahahahah! I've got 'em all over but most of them are covered in cold weather. I've been getting inked since I was 14, no joke. You got a Facebook, old man? ;)

N: Wow. That's a huge turn on for me. Tats make my left shake with the spankin itch. Haha. Seriously. My x gf got a tat of my hand imprint on her left cheek. Was kind of funny. I got off facebook. Was tired of the dorky comments etc however I need to reactivate my account now that I job searching. Plus I had tons of kitesurfing/band photos on there I need to save.

Me: Well, there are pics with my tats on there. I'm not a huge fan of having my ass slapped, sadly.

N: Well, for the record I'd never slap a woman but have been known to provide a firm spank during erotic times. Have any photos of your tats on your phone u can send?

Me: I don't. All on my old phone.

N: No worries. Maybe you can show me some time. I'll sit on my hands. I hope are aware that I'm not too serious about the spankin thang tho. However I will say that u do have some pretty potent pheremones. At least what I can sense in an elevator for a few seconds. Haha.

Yes folks - this happens to me on a regular basis. I've shied away from posting most of it before but I have been urged by Dubs to share these priceless moments with the world. Enjoy.

My ass thanks me, I'm sure.

About one minute in to the following video, you are introduced to a Garrett Melkonian, a nice gent I used to date billions of years ago.



When I think of how much I might weigh now had I continued seeing a pastry chef I shudder. Still, I am so happy to see that he's been successful - after spending a good amount of time working with Tom Douglas as Executive Pastry Chef for the Douglas restaurants he moved over to Spring Hill in my 'hood. I haven't eaten anything he's made for probably 10 years and I can't say I'm too sad about that - at least my waistline isn't.

Also, I really can't bake for shit so I imagine I'd eventually be overcome with jealousy that he makes a better pie crust or something.

Blast from the past!

I just remembered I have a Tumblr account that I haven't updated for a little over 2 years.

alysonoholic.tumblr.com

Basically I started that one and gave it up for this one. From now on, my little Tumblr baby is going to be designated for my short bursts of humor, observations and maybe a mini-rant or two (kinda like my twitter, but clearly much cooler.)

It's official - I'm in love...

...with Bikram yoga and road trips.

The heat, the sweat, the sense of accomplishment when you have conquered another of the 26 poses...The challenge is so rewarding. It's also the perfect rainy season replacement for running.

I purchased another Groupon (gawd I love these discount sites/emails) for a 10 class punch card at Bikram Yoga Burien after I took a few weeks off when I ran out of classes from Bikram Yoga in West Seattle. Burien is pretty close to me so it's definitely more appealing than the deals I've seen for other places on the Eastside and in North Seattle - I don't want to have to shower at the studio and I can't imagine more than a 15 minute drive covered in drying sweat. The studio isn't as nice, but my instructor (Gary Smith) was super easy on the eyes and I plan to get back to going at least twice a week until I either find another deal nearby or save up the dough to buy a membership at one of the studios.

In other news, in nine days we are embarking on another trip down to Portland. Dubs has the day off so she will definitely be riding down with the Sailor and I and this time we've decided to book a room at the Ace Hotel instead of the Jupiter (though there is nothing wrong with the Jupiter.) I'm making a point on this trip to hit up the stripclubs and hook up with my cousins Mack & Ben who live in Vancouver and we'll also be meeting up with the Sailor's old navy buddy again.

It looks like this will probably be my last trip this year since my pregnant coworker is ready to pop at the end of December and I'm running a bit low on PTO, so we're gonna make it a good one.

Kenny Powers is my boyfriend.

I spent the Sunday after Thanksgiving watching the second season of Eastbound & Down while lounging around in my "Kenny Powers is my boyfriend" tee-shirt. It was pretty awesome.

I had inexplicably missed most of the second season and I just happened to flip over to a rerun when Sailor and I were at my place on Saturday. He insisted had heard of it but had never seen an episode so we let it roll and laughed our asses off for the next 30 minutes or so.

If you didn't know, Eastbound & Down is rife with profanity and heavy on the hilarity which means it's essentially right up this girl's f*cking alley. Enjoy some of the finer moments (probably NSFW, folks:)

Season 3 is slated to be the last, but I'm still looking forward to it immensely.

Things to be thankful for...

This year has had it's highs and lows but ultimately there are so many things that I can be thankful for today (and every day, like we all should be.)

*my health

*my brilliant friends who support me and challenge me

*my family

*living in this gorgeous city

*a handsome and quirky suitor

*a comfortable home

*a decent job

*Gizmo and Bread

*the internet which brings me gems like this:

Murmuration from Sophie Windsor Clive on Vimeo.

13 days.

It's been a pretty busy 13 days since I last posted here, kiddos.

After watching the Pacquiao/Marquez fight (something I thought I may never do, let alone enjoy) Sailor convinced me to go out dancing with our ex-coworker, his lovely wife and their friends that we had joined for the boxing match. Well, I shook my ass and he enjoyed his lemon drop.

I've recently given up most hard liquor and Sailor likes girly drinks, so trips to the bar are always amusing when I order a beer and he orders some kind of frou frou beverage - the man loves a mimosa.

The trip to Portland was fucking fantastic (though really freakin' cold.)

*The Jupiter was lovely. They have chalkboard paint on all the doors and after I spent a few minutes adding some of my personal "art"

Sailor added his own:

*HUMP! was great, if not better, for the second time and meeting up beforehand with my local friends Rylee and Adam was icing on the cake.

*I dropped my entire purse into a puddle during a "Chinese Fire Drill" and I am still wondering what dissolved into a pink powder in one of the pockets.

*We went to Voodoo Doughnuts Too and Fire on the Mountain TWICE (thanks to DP's old navy buddy Seth for introducing me to this WING HEAVEN.)

*We walked a lot and trekked our way through SE Portland and downtown; on our way back across the Burnside bridge I noticed a sign for a Dirt Nasty show that evening and proceeded to spend 5 minutes telling Sailor who he was before realizing he had been walking 10 feet in front of us the entire time.

*We didn't end up going to the strip club, but did end up capturing some pretty entertaining moments from our trip on his Super 8 camera app.

Before we even got home we were talking about another joint weekend excursion - this time we're thinking Vancouver, BC early in December...Still, I have a feeling I may be back to Portland for the weekend sometime very very soon.

Yay for pretentious foodie bullsh*t!

I always loved Ted Allen on Queer Eye for the Straight Guy (remember that?) and this (satirical, for those of you who can't quite tell) piece from The Onion makes me like him even more.

Celebrity Chef Ted Allen Cooks His Favorite Pretentious Foodie Bullshit Meal

Is that rude?

I am slightly dreading tonight's bikram class. I'm back with my original instructor who seems to be slightly more hardcore than the one I've gotten used to, OR she was just trying to make a point with one of the girls in my class who (in my opinion) was being a bit rude.

From what I've seen so far, pacing is a pretty important aspect of bikram and in almost every pose this chick (who actually seemed quite adept at the poses) was coming out of the posture about 5 seconds before our teacher told us to "change," which is the signal to the students to slowly come out of the current pose. By the end of the session I was convinced that the instructor was holding the poses longer than usual just to make a point. Also, though I understand posture is important this girl was incessantly staring at herself in the side mirrors while the rest of us were diligently focused on the front mirrors as you're typically told to do at least a few times throughout a class.

Focus is key and you're definitely supposed to only be paying attention to yourself and your own practice but I found myself incredibly distracted by this student's behavior. I got the distinct feeling that she had either been practicing for a while or had taken the bikram teacher training, but I still think that the instructor is essentially the boss and you should do your best to stay with the rest of the class.

Am I being overly judgmental or was she not following the typical bikram etiquette? Either way, I'm praying she isn't in my class again this evening.

womp womp

Another fantastic weekend, but sadly I got so wrapped up in pet-sitting and HUMP! 7 I completely blew my "post everyday" goal for the month. Oops.

HUMP! was amazing (recap here with SPOILERS;) so incredibly good that when we met up afterward I immediately convinced Sailor that he should go see it with me while we're in Portland. And I got the "I got HUMPED" tshirt. Had to.

This weekend I also fell in love. Every time I went over to take care of my friend's kitties, sweet little (5 pounds!) thing Honky would jump into my lap after she got done eating and purr her little heart out until I had to leave. I'm completely smitten. Today my be my last day taking care of her, but a little piece of Honky will always be in my heart.

The Black Keys can do no wrong.

In a little over a month the new The Black Keys album El Camino will be out (December 6th!) and if this new single is any indication, I'll be loving it as hard as all the rest.

"There's a lot to be said here..."

A friend was recently recounting a dream they had and I found myself almost immediately inspired by the striking portrait it painted of two people on seemingly opposite sides of a situation; in the dream's case, a high school basketball court. The desire to turn his one sentence narrative into a full blown short story was immediately awakened and when he strongly suggested I pitch it to him with the intention to make it a short film my mind was again drawn back to the psychic reading that I had so many years ago (part one, part two, part 3, part 4, part 5.) Near the end of my reading (part 5 if you don't want to slog through the whole thing) she encouraged me to pursue writing and most specifically - penning plays.

At once, I started working on a rough draft and after I arrived home I spent the next few available hours before my bikram class continuing to flesh it out. Within 24 hours I had a solid story line to present to my pal and the Madre (who had helped me through a few ideas.) It's going to have to take a backseat over the next few days as I start pet-sitting my friend's cats this evening, but I have an intriguing tingle that tells me this could be quite an entertaining project.