very virgo metal monkey.

Okay, yes - I read 3 different horoscopes every week. Mock me all you want; I know many, many, many people think astrology is completely silly. That's fine with me (see: "IDGAF...") Really. I still like you, though.

Sundays I get my weekly Astrocenter email, Tuesdays I get Rob Brezsny's Free Will Astrology link via his Facebook page (I swear, all the cool shit is on Facebook these days,) and on my fancy igoogle homepage I get a free daily horoscope that I check out before I start gchatting. Honestly, I've never paid too much attention to the one I see daily until recently.

It keeps urging me to be patient lately (thanks bunches, fellow Seattleite and Master Astrologer Rick Levine...) Here is my typical response (as The Madre can attest,) borrowed from The Missus at On Common Ground (and someecards:)

I like a little hustle and bustle and I do it all in 4 inch heels.

I'm beginning to think staying busy keeps me sane.

This week I'm testing that theory with a pizza date with a longtime friend, 2 nights of bikram, a beauty appointment, a pre-pet sitting meeting with a few local friends annnnd that's all before Friday. In the meantime, I'm trying to coordinate some kind of mini-vacation to Oregon or California before my coworker goes on maternity leave in December and I'm stuck in Seattle.

In other news, I should be receiving these boots this week (so hot, right? don't be jels) and after being told I smell "lovely" by everyone from bartenders and random people on the street to close friends I have decided to restock my special signature scent blend. It's like Christmas in October! Also, in hopes of maintaining my "excruciatingly hot" status (thanks, Sailor) I've been inspired to sign up for a month-long membership at Seattle Integrated Martial Arts.

I imagine by the end of this year my ass is going to be in spectacular shape and I'm going to be so zen I won't know what the hell to do with myself.

Dedications.

Gawd, I absolutely love someecards.

I submit for your approval three cards I would like to address to a few of the men in my life recently.

Going for 5!

This will be my 5th year raising funds for the Arthritis Foundation through the Seattle Jingle Bell Run and though I have participated on a Yelp team for a few of those years, this time I'm signed up as an individual once again.

I am starting early but I've set a smaller goal for myself ($300) after raising a few thousand dollars for the program over the past few years. Don't get me wrong, even if I didn't personally have arthritis I'd be supporting this cause as the numbers are staggering - did you know that one in five Americans is afflicted? That's more than 50 million Americans including over 300,000 children – costing the U.S economy over $128 billion annually as the number one cause of disability. Crazy, right? That's why 80% of the funds that are raised go to important research and program services.

If you'd like to help, please consider donating here: http://seattlejinglebellrun.kintera.org/alyson or registering to run with me here. Even if you aren't in the Seattle area, there should be a run/walk being hosted somewhere near you!

Have you ever seen a picture of your ex...

and/or their new significant other/dating prospects and felt REALLY FREAKING GOOD about moving on? It's a horribly satisfying feeling. I mean, it's happened to me practically a bajillion times since high school but it really doesn't ever get old.

My coworkers and close friends like to say it's because I have shit taste in men, which is obviously at least partially true. Of course, I'd like to think I'm aging like a fine wine and just getting better as the years go by (which is much easier when you've never had to stress over a bad marriage and kids.)

Anywhoo...I went running on Sunday for the first time in almost exactly six months and though I'm a little sore and realized my form sucks enough to cause ridiculous headaches (I don't know exactly what I'm doing with my shoulders, but it is clearly WRONG) it was a nice alternative to Bikram.

This weekend it appears I'll be lucky enough to get some face time with an old friend of mine; we worked together at my very first job in Seattle, way back in '98. I'm having him over for dinner and, finally, I'll have a reason to harvest some of my homegrown chives for my famous goat cheese and chive potato cakes! Sadly, my broccoli is very leafy and pretty but not really productive and my chard is still way too small, but I should be able to get a few cucumbers out of the bush if I want to somehow incorporate those into dinner. Soon enough my handsome friend will be back in LA working in cinematography and who really knows how many years it will be before I see him again (and if he'll even remember me when he gets all rich and famous, eh?)

Bikram yoga is hot.

First session of Bikram: "Ohmigod, what are you doing? Are you crazy? An hour and a half of this? Just lay down, jeezus. I feel gross and out of shape."

Second session of Bikram: "Wellll, I don't think this is helping with my cold, but hey - I can actually do that pose! Oof, okay, maybe I should lay down for this one. Ahh, look at the first-timers...It ain't easy, is it, bitches? Okay, maybe I'm not so gross and out of shape."

Third session of Bikram: "Alright, it doesn't seem as ridiculously hot...Oh really, Miss Instructor, you want me to do what? Oh. Wow. I can do it. Weird. Oh my goodness, I barely laid down at all - I rock! Peep those muscles - I'm looking good!"

After my third class, the instructor (I had a different teacher for the first 2 classes) asked me if I had gone to another studio and when I told her that I had only done mat work at home with DVDs she complimented me by saying I did very well for someone with only 3 classes under their belt and had demonstrated a really good practice. I was pretty damn proud of myself.

Already it seems when I can't make it to 2 classes a week I start to get the "itch" and start trying to figure out where I can squeeze it into my schedule. I've got another class tonight....I may just be addicted.

"Thy ass doth shakith - Ninja Ian"

On Monday my favorite Ian (I know quite a few; this one is usually called "curly-haired") took me to a Chromeo show and we boogied the evening away. For those of you unfamiliar with the addictive dance grooves of this fun Canadian duo, I submit the following:

And maybe a little bit of this:

Needless to say, I'm getting old and going out on a "school night" left me too freakin' tired to attempt Bikram yoga on Tuesday. By the time my Thursday class rolls around I'm going to be itching for the heat.

For months and months I've followed The Missus' adventures in Bikram at On Common Ground but I never imagined I would get hooked so quickly. More on that coming very soon...

Becoming what you are (cont'd)

I'm not the kind of girl who...

...spends $100 (or more) on a pair of jeans

...is impressed by how many hours a guy spends at the gym each week or how much he spent on his fancy car or the expensive clubs he goes to

...is too chicken to ask a dude out

...lowers her standards just to be in a relationship

...bases her self-worth by what other people think of her

...starves herself to get skinny

...reads Cosmo or Marie Claire or Vogue

...pretends to care about sports

...lets the pain and disappointment in her past affect the happiness of her future

...messes around with or even pursues a dude who has a "lady friend" or "might try to work things out with their ex"

I am a chick with...

...a keen eye for bargains

...a slightly masculine attitude about relationships

...a decent head on her shoulders

...a vigorous reading habit

...mad cooking skills

...the knowledge of how to give a decent lap dance and/or sweet talk someone in Turkish

...a boat-load of respect and love for my friends and family

...a deep desire to continuously learn and grow as a human being

...a well-rounded sense of humor

...and, clearly, a healthy self-image

One of my favorite parts of Fall...

...is Halloween.

I have a costume arsenal in my closet, though it is nothing compared to my bff Dubs' collection - she's, like, a drag queen stuck in a gorgeous chick's body.

I love dressing up. I love costumes, I love food and cooking, I love giving gifts - Fall is definitely my season.

For the past few months I've been pretty set on being an emo scene kid this October (defined by Urban Dictionary as :

scene kid = boy/girl. usually seen wearing neon colors w/ black. leopard and/or zebra print obsessed. hair colored at least 2 different colors and cut at different angles. male scene kids usually try to attain over 500 friends on myspace and post pictures up of themselves making out with other boys. female

scene kids just ADORE neon colored eye shadow and wear one thousand layers of eyeliner. hair of both sexes is usually parted to the side.

All I need to do is track down a tight band tee and some coon-tail extensions and I'm pretty much ready to go.

Then I saw this costume (which would actually be super-simple to make and is cute, but non-slutty:)

A Cookie Monster costume! Look at that adorable headband!! Honestly though, I don't know that I will have the time or motivation to make a costume in the next three weeks. I've got Bikram again tonight and multiple plans this weekend (which is my ultimate goal since I'm focusing on making new friends and meeting new people after I realized cute, available boys are not going to just pop up on my doorstep) so I am severely tempted to go the easy route.

What are you going to be for Halloween this year?

TL;DR

For those of you non-nerds, the title of this post stands for Too Long; Didn't Read, which may have been the thought in your collective heads as you looked at my last few posts. Lordy, I am wordy lately.

New goal: more posts, less words.

On on that note, here is the prettiest short film I have ever seen about something pretty darn hideous (Juggalos.) Whaddya think? Are you "down with the clown?"

American Juggalo from Sean Dunne on Vimeo.

Hot Yoga/hot mess

Well, I'm not sure I have ever felt more unattractive - staring at your sweaty body in a mirror for 90 minutes is tough on the ol' ego.

For those of you who may still be unfamiliar with Bikram yoga (which is slightly different from "hot,") here's the Wiki scoop:

Bikram Yoga is a system of yoga that Bikram Choudhury synthesized from traditional yoga techniques and popularized beginning in the early 1970s. Bikram's classes run exactly 90 minutes and consist of a set series of 26 postures and 2 breathing exercises. Bikram Yoga is ideally practiced in a room heated to 105°F (≈ 40.6°C) with a humidity of 40%, and is the most popular form of hot yoga (a series of yoga poses done in a heated room).

So, I tried my first class at 8:30 PM Tuesday night with the plan to head home after 10PM to shower and most likely go straight to bed as I expected to be exhausted. I was super early and totally anxious, but the instructor went through the basics (reassuring, since she essentially confirmed I already knew what to expect through my research) and gave me a basic rundown on their space. I headed to the changing room to stash my stuff and then found a place at the back line of the studio where I laid down in savasana and attempted to let my body acclimate to the heat. I didn't hear many people come in and once I opened my eyes after the instructor raised the lights I was somewhat pleased to find we only had about 8 students total in the studio.

It was tough for me from the very beginning and I was sweating lightly before we even got past the first breathing exercise but I stuck it out as much as I possibly could. The standing poses seemed to be the most difficult for me...I used to pride myself on my keen sense of balance, but in class I could not seem to get my knee to lock to create the stability needed for those poses. There was quite a bit of savasana and falling over going on during that part of the series, but I wasn't the only one so it was slightly reassuring. It seems I do have a decent range of flexibility for the floor exercises (possibly left over from my cheer leading days & kept in check with my current yoga regimen) but I clearly still need to work on a lot of strengthening.

I wasn't as exhausted (or smelly) after class as I thought I might be and after I collected my gear and changed my clothes I chatted with the instructor for a few minutes before leaving. She happily told me how Bikram had changed her life, not just her body, and related a few anecdotes that left me thinking "oh hey, that's JUST LIKE ME." I made my way home and hopped in the shower before I grabbed a snack and popped a muscle relaxer (oy, my back) then settled into bed to read for a while and bring my energy level down. I slept well and woke up to find myself not really sore, but definitely feeling worked over. I'd say it's easily the best workout I've had outside of Tae Bo.

That "wow, I look gross" factor is seemingly going to work in my favor as it's an inspiration to go back and keep working on changing my body and through challenging myself, my mind. I've committed myself to going at least twice a week for the next five weeks and I suspect it's gonna hurt a little, but I can tell already I'm going to get some serious results.

Get out of my head, Rob Brezsny.

Yet another week where I'm all "how does he KNOW??" It's creepy.

This would not be a good time for you to read the book called The Complete Idiot's Guide to Enhancing Self-Esteem. In fact, it will never be the right time to read it. While it's true that at this juncture in your life story you can make exceptional progress in boosting your confidence and feeling positive about yourself, you're not an idiot and you don't need idiot-level assistance. If there was a book called The Impish Guide to Accessing and Expressing Your Idiosyncratic Genius, I'd definitely recommend it. Likewise a book titled The Wild-Eyed Guide to Activating Your Half-Dormant Potential or The Brilliant Life-Lover's Guide to Becoming a Brilliant Life-Lover.

*

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*

Recently, I really have been experiencing a glut of self-confidence. I feel smart, cute, desirable and that I deserve far better than an unemployed alcoholic who shot himself in the hand while cleaning his gun and lives uncomfortably with his ex-girlfriend (despite my ex trying desperately to convince me otherwise - sorry, Mr. Rock.) I feel mentally and spiritually healthy, I feel absolutely content in my cozy apartment in a neighborhood where I regularly run into friends when I go to the store, I feel I am surrounded by amazingly supportive people and ready to start dating again and all of that is good. Great, even.

That isn't to say I think I'm perfect, or that my life is. I'll admit it now (and some may have a hard time believing this) - I have pretty significant social anxiety issues. Inside me is a shy, nerdy girl who got picked on in school and I just can't seem to completely shake her. I get incredibly nervous going out by myself and uncomfortable in groups of people I don't know well. If you see me out and about at a party or event I've most likely had a drink or two beforehand to calm my nerves. The bad part of that is that I will most likely continue drinking to provide continued social lubricant and at a certain point I just get dumb. If I'm not lubed up I'll typically be a quiet wallflower and end up coming off as unfriendly, which is so not "me." So, even if I'm feeling confident, I find excuses to avoid getting out and meeting new people. I could dazzle the hell out of friends and acquaintances with an adorable dress and a bit of wit, but get me around strangers and I'm a mess.

I've come up with a somewhat unorthodox idea to work to combat this issue - hot (Bikram) yoga. What better way to work on social anxiety issues than to strip down to practically nothing in a room FULL of strangers and sweat your ass off while trying to contort your body in unnatural positions. It's intrinsically one of my worst nightmares and I've been attempting to steel myself for this experience for the past year, but if I can get used to these people seeing me struggle (and possibly fall) and all my grossly sodden imperfections I think I'm one step closer to winning the internal battle. Somehow, to me this all makes sense.

Becoming what you are.

My Free Will Astrology horoscope this week made me think. This is what Rob Brezsny says:

Our job is to become more and more of what we are," says poet Marvin Bell. "The growth of a poet seems to be related to his or her becoming less and less embarrassed about more and more." Whether or not you're a poet, Virgo, I would like to apply this gauge to your own growth. The way I see it, your power to claim your birthright and fulfill your destiny will ultimately hinge to a significant degree on your ability to shed all residual shame about your true nature. And guess what: There has never been a better time to work on that noble project than right now.

I guess that is really what I've been striving for this past year - authenticity and being true to myself. Previously, it was opening myself up to new things and being more tolerant and patient towards others, now it's all about being real. One example: I am no longer going to even try to pretend I am interested in sports. At all. Another: if I am most likely not going to attend an event I'm invited to, I will mark myself as a "no" on the RSVP. Also: if my feelings are hurt, I will tell you why upfront.

Basically, I feel I'm old enough now that I don't need to just tell people what they want to hear so that they aren't upset with me. I gotta tell you - it feels really effin' good.

This is why most of my high school connections were left on Myspace.

Convenient timing.

It appears that Seattle's summer is mostly over, after a somewhat pathetic showing of something like 1000 minutes of temperatures over 80. This just happens to coincide with a 5 day juice fast/supplemental-based cleanse that I decided to challenge myself with and I had expected to spend the weekend hermitting at my apartment, starving and barely in control of my bowels, so I wasn't too upset about the rain. Oddly enough, I've felt mostly normal and managed to be surprisingly productive even outside of my abode. I've woken up earlyish each day and found the energy to hit up a friend's yard sale with Cec, to walk over to Westwood Village to shop for a few pieces of workout wear appropriate for my upcoming Bikram (hot) yoga classes and run other errands, do the normal weekend tidying and squeeze in an at-home yoga session. It may not sound like much, but I had anticipated being basically immobilized by hunger and bowel flushing (oooh, I know how sexy that sounds, y'all) so as Charlie Sheen would say - I'm "WINNING."

What I've found so far with the fast is that 95% of the time I'm not even hungry, despite having intense cravings for all kinds of junk food pretty much constantly. Conversely, I've been thinking about healthy food and what I am going to eat once I'm back on the solids almost the entire time as well. My first dinner will consist of the eggplant I grew in my balcony garden (most likely sauteed or roasted,) oven-baked salmon caught fresh by one of my bff's Dads and possibly rice or potatoes. Maybe a biscuit or a chunk of baguette. I really love bread and nothing about this fast has changed that. I've still got tons of fruit in my fridge from the preparation for the cleanse, a grocery list chock full of more nutritious snacks and staples and meal plan ideas that should keep me on track afterwards. Yeah, I seriously have been thinking about food unceasingly since this began.

Next up is Round 2 for the day of supplements and juice with a big 'ol dose of fiber and a quick pick up of the homestead before I try to drag the Madre to the Indoor Sun Shoppe to help me spend the generous gift card that (the brilliant and amazing) Cec gave me for my recent birthday. Later, I'm thinking Round 3, pedicure, meditation, reading and journaling: it's gonna be a juicy one - I've decided to document (as far back as I can remember and then moving forward) the specific reasons I am not with any of my exes or other gentlemen I have briefly dated, mostly because it would be far too scandalous to post it here...but sometimes a girl needs a reminder, right?