Becoming what you are (cont'd)

I'm not the kind of girl who...

...spends $100 (or more) on a pair of jeans

...is impressed by how many hours a guy spends at the gym each week or how much he spent on his fancy car or the expensive clubs he goes to

...is too chicken to ask a dude out

...lowers her standards just to be in a relationship

...bases her self-worth by what other people think of her

...starves herself to get skinny

...reads Cosmo or Marie Claire or Vogue

...pretends to care about sports

...lets the pain and disappointment in her past affect the happiness of her future

...messes around with or even pursues a dude who has a "lady friend" or "might try to work things out with their ex"

I am a chick with...

...a keen eye for bargains

...a slightly masculine attitude about relationships

...a decent head on her shoulders

...a vigorous reading habit

...mad cooking skills

...the knowledge of how to give a decent lap dance and/or sweet talk someone in Turkish

...a boat-load of respect and love for my friends and family

...a deep desire to continuously learn and grow as a human being

...a well-rounded sense of humor

...and, clearly, a healthy self-image

One of my favorite parts of Fall...

...is Halloween.

I have a costume arsenal in my closet, though it is nothing compared to my bff Dubs' collection - she's, like, a drag queen stuck in a gorgeous chick's body.

I love dressing up. I love costumes, I love food and cooking, I love giving gifts - Fall is definitely my season.

For the past few months I've been pretty set on being an emo scene kid this October (defined by Urban Dictionary as :

scene kid = boy/girl. usually seen wearing neon colors w/ black. leopard and/or zebra print obsessed. hair colored at least 2 different colors and cut at different angles. male scene kids usually try to attain over 500 friends on myspace and post pictures up of themselves making out with other boys. female

scene kids just ADORE neon colored eye shadow and wear one thousand layers of eyeliner. hair of both sexes is usually parted to the side.

All I need to do is track down a tight band tee and some coon-tail extensions and I'm pretty much ready to go.

Then I saw this costume (which would actually be super-simple to make and is cute, but non-slutty:)

A Cookie Monster costume! Look at that adorable headband!! Honestly though, I don't know that I will have the time or motivation to make a costume in the next three weeks. I've got Bikram again tonight and multiple plans this weekend (which is my ultimate goal since I'm focusing on making new friends and meeting new people after I realized cute, available boys are not going to just pop up on my doorstep) so I am severely tempted to go the easy route.

What are you going to be for Halloween this year?

TL;DR

For those of you non-nerds, the title of this post stands for Too Long; Didn't Read, which may have been the thought in your collective heads as you looked at my last few posts. Lordy, I am wordy lately.

New goal: more posts, less words.

On on that note, here is the prettiest short film I have ever seen about something pretty darn hideous (Juggalos.) Whaddya think? Are you "down with the clown?"

American Juggalo from Sean Dunne on Vimeo.

Hot Yoga/hot mess

Well, I'm not sure I have ever felt more unattractive - staring at your sweaty body in a mirror for 90 minutes is tough on the ol' ego.

For those of you who may still be unfamiliar with Bikram yoga (which is slightly different from "hot,") here's the Wiki scoop:

Bikram Yoga is a system of yoga that Bikram Choudhury synthesized from traditional yoga techniques and popularized beginning in the early 1970s. Bikram's classes run exactly 90 minutes and consist of a set series of 26 postures and 2 breathing exercises. Bikram Yoga is ideally practiced in a room heated to 105°F (≈ 40.6°C) with a humidity of 40%, and is the most popular form of hot yoga (a series of yoga poses done in a heated room).

So, I tried my first class at 8:30 PM Tuesday night with the plan to head home after 10PM to shower and most likely go straight to bed as I expected to be exhausted. I was super early and totally anxious, but the instructor went through the basics (reassuring, since she essentially confirmed I already knew what to expect through my research) and gave me a basic rundown on their space. I headed to the changing room to stash my stuff and then found a place at the back line of the studio where I laid down in savasana and attempted to let my body acclimate to the heat. I didn't hear many people come in and once I opened my eyes after the instructor raised the lights I was somewhat pleased to find we only had about 8 students total in the studio.

It was tough for me from the very beginning and I was sweating lightly before we even got past the first breathing exercise but I stuck it out as much as I possibly could. The standing poses seemed to be the most difficult for me...I used to pride myself on my keen sense of balance, but in class I could not seem to get my knee to lock to create the stability needed for those poses. There was quite a bit of savasana and falling over going on during that part of the series, but I wasn't the only one so it was slightly reassuring. It seems I do have a decent range of flexibility for the floor exercises (possibly left over from my cheer leading days & kept in check with my current yoga regimen) but I clearly still need to work on a lot of strengthening.

I wasn't as exhausted (or smelly) after class as I thought I might be and after I collected my gear and changed my clothes I chatted with the instructor for a few minutes before leaving. She happily told me how Bikram had changed her life, not just her body, and related a few anecdotes that left me thinking "oh hey, that's JUST LIKE ME." I made my way home and hopped in the shower before I grabbed a snack and popped a muscle relaxer (oy, my back) then settled into bed to read for a while and bring my energy level down. I slept well and woke up to find myself not really sore, but definitely feeling worked over. I'd say it's easily the best workout I've had outside of Tae Bo.

That "wow, I look gross" factor is seemingly going to work in my favor as it's an inspiration to go back and keep working on changing my body and through challenging myself, my mind. I've committed myself to going at least twice a week for the next five weeks and I suspect it's gonna hurt a little, but I can tell already I'm going to get some serious results.

Get out of my head, Rob Brezsny.

Yet another week where I'm all "how does he KNOW??" It's creepy.

This would not be a good time for you to read the book called The Complete Idiot's Guide to Enhancing Self-Esteem. In fact, it will never be the right time to read it. While it's true that at this juncture in your life story you can make exceptional progress in boosting your confidence and feeling positive about yourself, you're not an idiot and you don't need idiot-level assistance. If there was a book called The Impish Guide to Accessing and Expressing Your Idiosyncratic Genius, I'd definitely recommend it. Likewise a book titled The Wild-Eyed Guide to Activating Your Half-Dormant Potential or The Brilliant Life-Lover's Guide to Becoming a Brilliant Life-Lover.

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*

Recently, I really have been experiencing a glut of self-confidence. I feel smart, cute, desirable and that I deserve far better than an unemployed alcoholic who shot himself in the hand while cleaning his gun and lives uncomfortably with his ex-girlfriend (despite my ex trying desperately to convince me otherwise - sorry, Mr. Rock.) I feel mentally and spiritually healthy, I feel absolutely content in my cozy apartment in a neighborhood where I regularly run into friends when I go to the store, I feel I am surrounded by amazingly supportive people and ready to start dating again and all of that is good. Great, even.

That isn't to say I think I'm perfect, or that my life is. I'll admit it now (and some may have a hard time believing this) - I have pretty significant social anxiety issues. Inside me is a shy, nerdy girl who got picked on in school and I just can't seem to completely shake her. I get incredibly nervous going out by myself and uncomfortable in groups of people I don't know well. If you see me out and about at a party or event I've most likely had a drink or two beforehand to calm my nerves. The bad part of that is that I will most likely continue drinking to provide continued social lubricant and at a certain point I just get dumb. If I'm not lubed up I'll typically be a quiet wallflower and end up coming off as unfriendly, which is so not "me." So, even if I'm feeling confident, I find excuses to avoid getting out and meeting new people. I could dazzle the hell out of friends and acquaintances with an adorable dress and a bit of wit, but get me around strangers and I'm a mess.

I've come up with a somewhat unorthodox idea to work to combat this issue - hot (Bikram) yoga. What better way to work on social anxiety issues than to strip down to practically nothing in a room FULL of strangers and sweat your ass off while trying to contort your body in unnatural positions. It's intrinsically one of my worst nightmares and I've been attempting to steel myself for this experience for the past year, but if I can get used to these people seeing me struggle (and possibly fall) and all my grossly sodden imperfections I think I'm one step closer to winning the internal battle. Somehow, to me this all makes sense.

Becoming what you are.

My Free Will Astrology horoscope this week made me think. This is what Rob Brezsny says:

Our job is to become more and more of what we are," says poet Marvin Bell. "The growth of a poet seems to be related to his or her becoming less and less embarrassed about more and more." Whether or not you're a poet, Virgo, I would like to apply this gauge to your own growth. The way I see it, your power to claim your birthright and fulfill your destiny will ultimately hinge to a significant degree on your ability to shed all residual shame about your true nature. And guess what: There has never been a better time to work on that noble project than right now.

I guess that is really what I've been striving for this past year - authenticity and being true to myself. Previously, it was opening myself up to new things and being more tolerant and patient towards others, now it's all about being real. One example: I am no longer going to even try to pretend I am interested in sports. At all. Another: if I am most likely not going to attend an event I'm invited to, I will mark myself as a "no" on the RSVP. Also: if my feelings are hurt, I will tell you why upfront.

Basically, I feel I'm old enough now that I don't need to just tell people what they want to hear so that they aren't upset with me. I gotta tell you - it feels really effin' good.

This is why most of my high school connections were left on Myspace.

Convenient timing.

It appears that Seattle's summer is mostly over, after a somewhat pathetic showing of something like 1000 minutes of temperatures over 80. This just happens to coincide with a 5 day juice fast/supplemental-based cleanse that I decided to challenge myself with and I had expected to spend the weekend hermitting at my apartment, starving and barely in control of my bowels, so I wasn't too upset about the rain. Oddly enough, I've felt mostly normal and managed to be surprisingly productive even outside of my abode. I've woken up earlyish each day and found the energy to hit up a friend's yard sale with Cec, to walk over to Westwood Village to shop for a few pieces of workout wear appropriate for my upcoming Bikram (hot) yoga classes and run other errands, do the normal weekend tidying and squeeze in an at-home yoga session. It may not sound like much, but I had anticipated being basically immobilized by hunger and bowel flushing (oooh, I know how sexy that sounds, y'all) so as Charlie Sheen would say - I'm "WINNING."

What I've found so far with the fast is that 95% of the time I'm not even hungry, despite having intense cravings for all kinds of junk food pretty much constantly. Conversely, I've been thinking about healthy food and what I am going to eat once I'm back on the solids almost the entire time as well. My first dinner will consist of the eggplant I grew in my balcony garden (most likely sauteed or roasted,) oven-baked salmon caught fresh by one of my bff's Dads and possibly rice or potatoes. Maybe a biscuit or a chunk of baguette. I really love bread and nothing about this fast has changed that. I've still got tons of fruit in my fridge from the preparation for the cleanse, a grocery list chock full of more nutritious snacks and staples and meal plan ideas that should keep me on track afterwards. Yeah, I seriously have been thinking about food unceasingly since this began.

Next up is Round 2 for the day of supplements and juice with a big 'ol dose of fiber and a quick pick up of the homestead before I try to drag the Madre to the Indoor Sun Shoppe to help me spend the generous gift card that (the brilliant and amazing) Cec gave me for my recent birthday. Later, I'm thinking Round 3, pedicure, meditation, reading and journaling: it's gonna be a juicy one - I've decided to document (as far back as I can remember and then moving forward) the specific reasons I am not with any of my exes or other gentlemen I have briefly dated, mostly because it would be far too scandalous to post it here...but sometimes a girl needs a reminder, right?

Happy Birthday to me.

My birthday is coming up in a little over a week. I'm calling this one 30FUN, though I somehow still feel like I'm 25 and was getting carded for cigarettes until I stopped buying them.

I'm not sure if it's a coincidence, but lately I've been incredibly moved to get on a healthier track and work on feeling and looking better in general. A friend and his girlfriend have been doing a cleanse/detox and posting their progress on tumblr and that Fat Sick and Nearly Dead documentary has been everywhere these days. I have been eating better after becoming more adept at creating balanced meals for one person though I still eat far more processed foods and not as many vegetables/fruit as I should. Obviously, I am hoping my balcony garden experiment will put a dent in that.

I'm patiently waiting for my order of Barlean's Greens capsules to show up; last time I quit smoking I was having killer headaches that my LMP suggested were caused by detoxing and would be helped by the greens. I drank the powder with juice and and it was still a bit too gritty for my taste but it definitely seemed to work on my headaches as well as giving me more energy, so the capsules should hopefully be just the thing. Also, I finally got one of those cute little insulated cups for work and I'm drinking a lot more water lately to help flush all the crap out of my system. Still, I think I'll do some research and the week after my birthday I'll probably do some additional detox/cleansing. Juicing sounds promising but I don't own a juicer, nor do I want to invest in one at the moment. Anyone have any leads on cleanses/detox programs they have used successfully?

While I'm priming my insides, I am not neglecting the outside! I am using whitestrips for my teeth as a mini-reward for not smoking anymore (they work and you can find them super cheap on eBay, y'all) and now that the sun has come out in Seattle I've gotten a nice, healthy tan.

In spite of all the stress from this past year, I've made it to another birthday feeling improved inside and out - fitter, smarter, and in fine feather emotionally as well as spiritually. I think 30FUN is what it's all about, kids.

Tahini and sesame oil.

They're even close not the same, folks. All this time I've been making my hummus with sesame oil (because I had failed to find tahini in any of my normal grocery stores) and it did not taste right. Dubs improved it by encouraging me to add lemon juice, but it was still weird until she hooked me up with a big ol' jar of tahini from a downtown mexi mart. It makes a huge difference and it became pretty clear there's no good substitute. My hummus is now delicious.

Work was crazy for a few weeks and killed my social life, but conveniently it occurred right around the time I decided to quit smoking (AGAIN) which is much easier to do when I'm not out visiting with friends over drinks. Maybe not so weirdly, I've been inspired to try to be healthier in general so I'm easing back into yoga and pilates and trying to watch what I eat more closely. I think the daily visits to my garden help my motivation, though I am patiently waiting for something other than my chives to be ready to harvest. I have a wee eggplant that seems to be coming along nicely, but my chard and broccoli still have a ways to go. My burpless bush cucumber has basically tripled in size, but I'm not seeing any real fruit yet.

This week I'm going to try to wrap up all the little miscellaneous projects around the apartment and work on finally getting my bedroom settled. It hasn't been much of a priority but now that I'm back in the swing of things and I plan on having guests over more often it's probably a good idea. I'm still trying to figure out what to do bed frame wise, but I know sooner than later I'll have to get my mattress off the floor, 'cause that's just not very classy.

On the "away from home" side of things, I have started planning for a possible trip to NOLA to the French Quarter Festival in April. I haven't taken a vacation in ages and I've never been anywhere in the South nor gone on a trip alone, so I am trying to mentally and financially prepare for my first solo adventure. I am slightly concerned about finding reasonably priced accommodations, but one I have my flight booked I'll be researching like crazy. It's actually really nice to finally be able to look forward to a trip and not have to worry about planning or scheduling around anyone else!

Hello people!

I have not forgotten about you; I have just been slammed at work and too exhausted to formulate complete sentences once I get home. Consider this your musical interlude before I return to (somewhat) regular posting again.

I f*cking love The Black Keys.

Progress!

Please do excuse the blurry picture, I have yet to master the camera on my new phone and I'm no pro, even with a regular camera.

This is my current set up for veggies and herbs, minus the calabrese broccoli which has just been started in another area of my balcony. I hijacked an old picnic bench from The Madre (and strung the cutest little set of lights underneath -more pictures to come, swears) to create enough height for the green babies to get enough of the sun and add ambiance in addition to it's functionality.

From the top: I have burpless bush cucumbers, ichiban eggplant, neon glow chard, chives, Moroccan mint and chocolate mint. This weekend I have a feeling I'll add some basil - all of a sudden I have to desire to be able to make fresh pesto.

Last weekend I picked up a hanger for my butterfly garden pot; installation should be a quick

weekend project and then I'll be on the lookout for a new pot to accommodate the new mini bee balm, which is apparently pretty bushy. On the floral side, I'm really focusing on plants that are known to attract butterflies and hummingbirds, but the bee balm also has the added benefit of being a wonderful tea herb and salad garnish. I truly just thought the flowers looked neat. I haven't seen any hummingbirds around and I have my doubts they'd target my 4th floor balcony, but a girl can dream, right?

By the time I've got everything organized for my housewarming there should be a bounty of pretty things out there for my guests to enjoy. This weekend when I'm not working on the garden and getting the rest of my place prepped, I'm going to take advantage of the forecasted rain and find some time to hang with the bffs as well as finish reading my current book. Hopefully I can round it off with a nice pancake brunch (a friend's brilliant housewarming idea) and some mimosas in Ballard and be ready to return on Monday to another week of work hell.

...and I'm feeling good.

I spent a little time hanging out with one of my exes recently (no, not "Bear," though we did go back and forth yesterday on facebook, with no positive results) until it became more and more clear that he was still a hot mess and came with way more baggage than I'm interested in checking on Alyson Airlines.

Since I quickly put the kibosh on that one, I have returned to my temporary boy boycott and am continuing to settle into my apartment. Honestly, I don't know that I've ever been happier! I feel more functional and evolved than I ever have been before and completely content to be single as I move forward.

Almost every weekend I get out with the Madre to wander around to find new plants and supplies for my balcony garden. The vegetable portion is coming along nicely; last weekend I added eggplant and burpless bush cucumbers and I am digging all the greenness. My hanging "butterfly garden" pot has yet to bloom, but I picked up some miniature bee balm to placate the part of me that wants flowers NOW. Sadly, I think it's too late this year to bloom the dahlias and peonies I had hoped to plant.

On the nerdy tip, I'm almost done with Clash of Kings from the Song of Fire and Ice series. My coworker who is a book behind me went on vacation and I barely resisted the urge to paper her monitor with spoilers. I've got book 5 (acquired at the reading last week) just sitting on my shelf, staring at me and pressuring me to hurry the eff up, but these books are all just a little under 1000 pages a piece so I don't imagine I'll finish before the end of the summer.

Still, as I lie in my bed reading at night with a view of the progress on the balcony and Gizmo and Bread beside me, I can't help but feel like my life is really GOOD.

Shameless Plug - Charles: Ace of Bass sketch comedy

Shamefully, I hadn't been in the 619 Western building for possibly years before Sunday night despite the fact that a few of my friends have shown at numerous First Thursdays. If I had been, I might have been more prepared to walk into a colorful, characterful, likely deathtrap that as of August 1st is no longer allowed to hold public events. The intentional graffiti helped distract me from the gaping cracks in the walls, notices that made it very clear we'd be totally screwed if an earthquake were to hit and the sense of impending doom, so yay for that.

You, Dear Reader, will be lucky enough to see the Charles: Ace of Bass show at Ballard Underground because A) that's where the show will be continuing this Friday and Saturday and B) you're buying tickets because you'd be stupid to miss their first full-length original show.

Shortly after settling into my seat, Stephen Ross (of Ubiquitous They Fame, also helping with tech for this weekend's gigs) dragged out a big blue cooler, telling the audience that the show would be starting in a few minutes and he would be leaving said cooler full of beer at the front of the stage until they were ready to proceed, while encouraging the audience to help themselves. Any show that offers me a free beer upfront automatically wins bonus points...

Not that these guys needed my bonus points.

Opening up, Clayton Weller and Ryan Schmidt from UT showcased a high energy sketch set I hear they've been work-shopping for a while, filled with rapping, coordinated dance moves and lots o' fun pantomime. After a brief intermission where the blue cooler reappeared to everyone's delight, Chuck and Charlie of Charles took the stage (also to everyone's delight - I'm not sure if it was specifically this show, but the turn out was impressive and everyone seemed to know each other.)

Man, these cats are funny, and in that smart way that doesn't make everyone in the crowd feel condescended to. The sketches had a really good flow and the segues as well as additional props (how do you even do that with a Billy the Bass?) were handled deftly. I feel like I could go on and on about how talented I think they are and how much I laughed my ass off, but I also feel like I should impress upon you the awesomeness of the deal they are offering: approximately 90 minutes of hilarity for $10 is a freakin' steal. C'mon, it's Seattle - you know you've paid more for less funny. Truly, my only disappointment stems from the fact that my work schedule prevented me from taking them up on their audience-wide offer to have drinks with them at a nearby bar afterward.

So, GO FORTH AND BE AMUSED my fine friends, and if you need someone to hold your hand on the foray to funny hit me up and I'll gladly attend with you. This week's openers are The DK and Morgan Show from Bellingham (who unfortunately I am completely unfamiliar with but seem to be drawing equally assuring praise.) Do it.

George RR Martin reading, Shotstravangaza™, housewarming/birthday party, Sangria-off, Charles: Ace of Bass

That's a lot of stuff to put in a blog post title. That's also a lot of stuff to do in one weekend. Actually, the first three events are occurring in one evening. I've made sure to get plenty of sleep over the past few days and I will be fueling up with plenty of caffeinated beverages, you can be sure.

First, there is the sold out George RR Martin "Dance of the Dragons" reading/signing at Town Hall. A friend sent out a plea asking someone to attend the reading to get a book signed on behalf of her French exchange sister whose boyfriend loves the Song of Fire and Ice series and since I was working my way through the first book with full intentions of reading the second, third, fourth and fifth, I was happy to oblige. She purchase two tickets to the event so I get to take a signed book home as well and I'm pretty freaking excited.

Then, off to a local Chinese restaurant/lounge for a going away party for one of the bartenders there that I am friends with, she'll be moving to Portland for a wonderful job opportunity and we'll be downing jello shots in her honor at the Shotstravaganza™.

Another lovely lady friend of mine is having a housewarming and joint birthday party for herself and one of the coolest almost-six year olds that I know (her kidlet Cash) and this is an additional "must-stop" scheduled for tonight.

Saturday, there's the Sangria-off at my homegirl's place with three different sangria "contest" contenders, plenty of adorable gays and cute little hipsters, of course.

As for Sunday, it seems due to my recent post about how much I enjoyed the Ubiquitous They show I've been invited to another local sketch comedy show, Charles: The Ace of Bass at the Satori Loft. It's an unfamiliar venue but UT will also be performing that night, so I'll at least know some of the faces. I have no doubt it's a good show, Lindy West from The Stranger has been singing their praises lately and my friend Gabriel from Seattle Show Gal (who has fantastic taste) had very nice things to say about their set at Laffhole. The show goes for 2 more weekends: this Saturday and Sunday and then Friday and Saturday of next week, with the doors opening at 8 PM each evening and show starting at 8:30 PM. Tickets are only $10 at the door and can also be purchased in advance at brown paper tickets so you should go see them too, because I'm sure you also like funny people, right? Here's a little taste of what we can look forward to: